Category Archives: Uncategorized

3rd Anniversary – December 20, 2011

Posted on December 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

I’d forgotten how exhausting a newborn could be. Alexander’s younger brother, Daniel was born November 17 and has been keeping me very busy. I barely have time to sleep much less do things like update my blog.

I’ve been so tired, I don’t think I’ve really had a chance to process my feelings about Alexander’s anniversary. It’s hard to believe Alexander has been gone 3 years. On his anniversary date, we spent a quiet day at home and went to cemetery in the afternoon.

Recently, a friend asked me if it gets any easier. I told her I don’t think it gets easier. Alexander’s loss has become part of me and is something I must deal with on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. Now that Daniel has arrived, I’m trying to find a balance between being happy for the child that I have here with me and being sad and missing the child that is gone.

I talk to Daniel about Alexander and we look at pictures of him. I think Alexander and Daniel would have been great friends and I wish my boys could have grown up together.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death, toddler sids

I need a sign

Posted on November 10, 2011 | Leave a comment

Why do perfect strangers think it’s o.k. to ask questions about my pregnancy? When are you due? Is this your first? I think I’ll pull my hair out if one more person asks me if this is my first pregnancy. I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made with ‘No, this isn’t my first pregnancy. My first child is named Alexander and he died in December 2008. Now, back off and stop asking me questions.’ The sign may seem a little harsh but I’m so tired of strangers asking questions. Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me enjoy my pregnancy.

Since losing Alexander, I have definitely become more sensitive. Questions I thought were innocent before can now cause a deep wound. It has also made me realize that you just never know what a person’s situation is or what they’re going through at any given time. So, it might be better to wait and let them take the lead in what they want to share.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, toddler sids

Name confusion

Posted on November 8, 2011 | Leave a comment

Drawing of Alexander done by a friend

As I continue my preparations for the arrival of Baby Dodson2, I find myself missing Alexander even more.

At times, when I’m talking to the baby, I call him Alexander instead of the name we’ve chosen for him. I’m looking forward to his arrival and I know he isn’t Alexander, but I can’t help the name slip ups. I really wish they could be growing up together.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death

2nd Annual Alexander’s Run

Posted on October 29, 2011 | 2 Comments

Today, was the 2nd Annual Alexander’s Run. Though the weather forecast predicated rain and a mix of snow, we decided to have the fun anyway. We had no idea how many, if any, runners would show up on race morning. Some people didn’t make it but Dan and I were truly surprised, overwhelmed, and grateful for all the support we received at this morning’s event.

The tents we’d arranged for didn’t arrive on time but no one complained as we had to scramble for tents. The runners were patient as we opened registration late. The kids who did come in costumes were cheerful as they stood under the tents and grooved to the music of Alex Mitnick. It was an amazing day and I’m so glad we continue to celebrate Alexander and the other SUDC children with this run.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death, toddler sids

Starting to pack

Posted on September 12, 2011 | 3 Comments

Over the weekend, I began the difficult task of starting to pack up some of Alexander’s things. I didn’t want to do it but we need the room for his little brother who will be arriving at Thanksgiving.

A couple of weeks ago, I brought up several containers of Alexander’s stuff from the basement to go through it to see what I could use for this baby. Most of it was feeding and cleaning supplies (bottles, burping cloths, wash cloths, etc.). Since the boys will be born in different seasons (Alexander in May and this baby in November), they probably won’t be able to share many clothes. I did pull out what I could from Alexander’s things and a friend gave me a few things. I should be good for the first few months.

For the first 30 minutes, all I could do was cry. It felt like I was packing away Alexander with each item that I put in the box. I packed until we needed to leave to meet friends for dinner. I was very happy to have the break. I did make a dent in what needed to be done and still have plenty of laundry to do.

Other than going to my prenatal visits and generally taking care of my health, I feel like I haven’t done enough to prepare for this baby. It’s just been hard to motivate myself to get to the store to buy anything.

After two days of packing, I’m feeling pretty emotionally drained. I’m excited to meet our little guy and welcome him into our lives. I miss Alexander so much and am sad that he isn’t here to be part of his brother’s arrival.

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death

Do you have any children?

Posted on May 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

Why is that when a group of women are talking, one of the first questions is “Do you have any children?” Is this all a woman is supposed to be? Being Alexander’s mom was/is the best role in life I could ever have but it’s not the sum of my being.

I was recently volunteering at an event. Following the event, I was sitting with a few of the volunteers (all women) having lunch. At some point during the conversation, two of the women asked me (within minutes of each other) if I had any children. I felt like I was betraying Alexander when I said no but I didn’t feel like sharing my story with these women who I’d probably never see again.

As I was driving home, I realized that I’ve come to find the “Do you have any children” question very annoying and intrusive. I know people are just being polite and trying to make conversation but sometimes I feel like wearing a button that says DON”T ask me if I have any kids!

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Another birthday has come and gone

Posted on May 16, 2011 | Leave a comment

Since Alexander passed, the first week of May has been difficult for me. This year was no different. Alexander’s 4th birthday was May 3 followed quickly by Mother’s Day a few days later.

I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone on Alexander’s birthday so spent the day alone in quiet reflection looking at his pictures and videos. When Dan got home from work, we went to the cemetery and released 4 balloons.

On Mother’s Day, Dan and I visited a local sculpture park. We had a nice lunch and walk through the park while talking about Alexander and life. It was a little hard to see the park full of families with their young children but I’m glad we went.

I recently bought myself a charm necklace. The sterling silver charm includes Alexander’s name below a raised heart. I love it and wear it almost every day. I find myself rubbing it constantly throughout the day whenever I think about Alexander.

I wish he was here now to give me a big hug.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in loss of child, Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parents, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, toddler sids

Review has begun

Posted on January 20, 2011 | 2 Comments

I got word yesterday from the SUDC study that the active review of Alexander’s case has finally begun. The active review has three parts and will take them almost a year to complete.

Here’s the review process:

Part I—the abstracting of Alexander’s medical history; this takes on average 2-3 months.

Part II—the neuropathology review; this takes an average of 3-5 months.

Part III—Dr. Krous’ comprehensive review and diagnosis follows and is generally completed within 1-2 months

Even though we’re participating in the study, I know it’s likely that we’ll never really know happened but I have to do everything I can to find answers.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death

2 years

Posted on December 20, 2010 | 2 Comments

Can it really be two years that Alexander has been gone?

When I woke this morning, I was too sad to move and just lay in bed thinking about Alexander. Once I finally managed to get out of bed, I watched the touching memorial video (http://www.totsites.com/tot/dodsonemerson/movies/29452) from Alexander’s funeral that friends put together for us. Watching the video, I thought about all the wonderful times we had with Alexander during his much too short life.

Dan and I went to the cemetery this afternoon and did a little cleaning. We also brought a couple of things to decorate Alexander’s grave. For the first time, we decorated the little tree that someone left for him. It felt good to be doing this for Alexander. After Dan left (I asked him to let me have a few minutes alone), I sat and cried.

Time has lessened the rawness of the pain but I still miss Alexander so much.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged bereaved parent, grieving parent, loss of child, SUDC, sudden unexplained death