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We should be celebrating Alexander’s 5th birthday today.

Instead of eating cake and ice cream, I’m spending part of the day working on planning for the 3rd Annual Alexander’s Run.

Though he doesn’t understand me, I’ll talk to Daniel about his older brother and how much I wish they had been able to grow up together.

Instead of Alexander blowing out 5 candles on his cake, we’ll go to the cemetery later and release 5 balloons.

When I looked into Alexander’s eyes 5 years ago at the hospital, this isn’t how I thought I’d spend his birthdays.  I’m glad I have happy memories to keep me going on these tough days.

The recent SUDC quilt was unveiled at the 10th anniversary event on April 14.  I’e never done a quilt square until now.  My square isn’t very creative but it is from the heart.  I’m glad I was able to include Alexander along with the other children.

Dan, Daniel and I went to dinner at the club on Wednesday evening. As we were leaving, we stopped to say hi to friends who were seated at the bar. Along with our friends, there was another couple siting nearby who commented on Daniel.  Their first grandchild is the same age.

After our friends left to be seated for dinner, we continued to talk to the couple sitting at the bar.  Of course, the inevitable question comes up about is this our first.  I quickly no.  The wife pressed and I finally told her about Alexander.  To my surprise, she responded that she understand my pain because they had lost a daughter to SIDS many years before.  She also surprised me by thanking me for telling her about Alexander.  The wife and I chatted a while more about our children.  It was nice to have this conversation.  I guess you really just never know what another person has experienced in life.

At the SUDC fundraiser, I did tell a couple of parents that I try to tell our story whenever I can.  It’s one way to keep talking our sweet Alexander but also part of raising awareness about SUDC.  Even though, presently, there is no way to prevent SUDC, I feel I do need to tell people about it.

Dan and I attended the SUDC program’s 10th anniversary event in NY this past Saturday.  On the one hand, it was wonderful to meet some of the parents I’ve only known through the online support groups.  On the other hand, the reason that brought us all together made me sad.  I don’t know what we would have done if the SUDC program hadn’t existed when we needed it.

Despite being surrounded by family and friends, I felt so alone during those first days after Alexander passed.  Time has helped decrease the intensity of my pain but I still miss Alexander so much.

The SUDC Program – Who We Are

Drawing of Alexander done by a friend

As I continue my preparations for the arrival of Baby Dodson2, I find myself missing Alexander even more.

At times, when I’m talking to the baby, I call him Alexander instead of the name we’ve chosen for him.  I’m looking forward to his arrival and I know he isn’t Alexander, but I can’t help the name slip ups.  I really wish they could be growing up together.

Over the weekend, I began the difficult task of starting to pack up some of Alexander’s things.  I didn’t want to do it but we need the room for his little brother who will be arriving at Thanksgiving.

A couple of weeks ago, I brought up several containers of Alexander’s stuff from the basement to go through it to see what I could use for this baby.  Most of it was feeding and cleaning supplies (bottles, burping cloths, wash cloths, etc.).  Since the boys will be born in different seasons (Alexander in May and this baby in November), they probably won’t be able to share many clothes.  I did pull out what I could from Alexander’s things and a friend gave me a few things.  I should be good for the first few months.

For the first 30 minutes, all I could do was cry.  It felt like I was packing away Alexander with each item that I put in the box.  I packed until we needed to leave to meet friends for dinner.  I was very happy to have the break.  I did make a dent in what needed to be done and still have plenty of laundry to do.

Other than going to my prenatal visits and generally taking care of my health, I feel like I haven’t done enough to prepare for this baby.  It’s just been hard to motivate myself to get to the store to buy anything.

After two days of packing, I’m feeling pretty emotionally drained.  I’m excited to meet our  little guy and welcome him into our lives.  I miss Alexander so much and am sad that he isn’t here to be part of his brother’s arrival.