I don’t know why but Monday was a really tough day. There wasn’t any particular trigger but I spent most of the day in tears. I miss Alexander every minute of every day but I really missed him this week.
At one point, I forced myself to go out for a couple of hours. The only errand I had to run was to go grocery shopping. That would only take me about an hour rountrip so I decided to also take myself out for lunch.
I went to a restaurant close to the grocery that Alexander and I used to frequent. When the hostess first took me into the dining room, we headed for a table full of moms and their babies/toddlers out for lunch. This wasn’t going to work for me. I was prepared to ask to be seated elsewhere but the hostess decided on her own to find me another table. Unfortunately, she took me to the table that Alexander and I had sat at the last time we were there. The tears were welling up in me and I couldn’t tell her this wasn’t going to work for me. If I had opened my mouth, I would have completely broken down. I sat down, shed a few tears and then took out the book I brought along to distract me. The book did help because it allowed me to focus on something else.
Medical Examiner’s Office
As I’ve mentioned before, Dan and I have decided to participate in the SUDC study. As I headed out this morning, I was consumed by the thought what if the medical examiner’s office destroys Alexander’s tissue and blood before Dr. Krous’ office has a chance to contact them. So, I had to call the office to find out how long they preserve blood and tissue samples from an autopsy. The receptionist told me 7 years.
I felt relief that they preserved the samples so long but I was also a little sad to think that the M.E.’s office will preserve Alexander’s tissue longer than he was with us. No parent should have to worry about a thing like this.
Speaking of which, we preserved Alexander’s cord blood with Viacord right after he was born. Our pain was still so new and fresh for us this year that when it came time to pay the annual storage fee, I just let the time expire to make a change to our account and my credit card was automatically charged for the fee. I did call the Viacord folks who told me I had 3 choices: pay the annual storage fee, donate his cord blood to scientific research, or authorize them to destry. How does a parent make this decision to destroy this link to their child?
I had my first Skype video call last night. (If you’ve never done it before, I would highly recommend it.) I was talking to another SUDC mom. I think it was helpful for both of us to see and hear each and not just “talk” via email.
I’ve been reconnecting with a lot of high school and other friends on Facebook lately. If it’s someone I haven’t talked with in a long while, I like to send an email to catch up on things. One question I keep asking myself lately is whether or not I mention Alexander’s loss in that first email. I have several pictures of him on my Facebook page and if you didn’t know about our loss, you would assume I have a happy, healthy toddler in my life. Rather than one of these long lost friends ask about Alexander and then feel uncomfortable for having asked, I’ve decided that I will share the information. Alexander’s loss is a part of my life and who I am now. It’s not something I want to talk about but feel I must.
I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I’ll think we’ll have lots to talk about this week.