Over the weekend, I began the difficult task of starting to pack up some of Alexander’s things. I didn’t want to do it but we need the room for his little brother who will be arriving at Thanksgiving.
A couple of weeks ago, I brought up several containers of Alexander’s stuff from the basement to go through it to see what I could use for this baby. Most of it was feeding and cleaning supplies (bottles, burping cloths, wash cloths, etc.). Since the boys will be born in different seasons (Alexander in May and this baby in November), they probably won’t be able to share many clothes. I did pull out what I could from Alexander’s things and a friend gave me a few things. I should be good for the first few months.
For the first 30 minutes, all I could do was cry. It felt like I was packing away Alexander with each item that I put in the box. I packed until we needed to leave to meet friends for dinner. I was very happy to have the break. I did make a dent in what needed to be done and still have plenty of laundry to do.
Other than going to my prenatal visits and generally taking care of my health, I feel like I haven’t done enough to prepare for this baby. It’s just been hard to motivate myself to get to the store to buy anything.
After two days of packing, I’m feeling pretty emotionally drained. I’m excited to meet our little guy and welcome him into our lives. I miss Alexander so much and am sad that he isn’t here to be part of his brother’s arrival.
After the long wait, I received a draft of the report from the SUDC research study this afternoon. I emailed the research associate earlier in the week to check on the status of Alexander’s case review and she told me to expect the report this week. I told myself I would wait before reading the report but as soon as I saw the email today, I had to stop what I was doing and read it.
I had mixed emotions about finally getting the report. Part of me was filled with dread there would be no answers and I would be left to wonder what happened to my child and why. The other part of me was scared they would find something that I should have known about and prevented Alexander’s death. Either way, it was going to be hard to read.
Much of the report was based on family history that Dan and I provided along with Alexander’s medical records so it was all information I knew. Based on this information and evaluation of tissue samples provided by the medical examiner in our town, Dr. Krous and his team concluded that Alexander’s death was caused by Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. The report did say they couldn’t rule our cardiac arrhythmia (such as that caused by Long QT syndrome). I’ve been in touch with the Long QT study at the Mayo Clinic to check on the status of Alexander’s case review with them but haven’t back yet.
So, for now, we still have no answers. I’m a bit numb and feeling a wide mix of emotions. I’ll probably reread the report and then schedule a conference call with Dr. Krous in a few weeks to review his findings. For now, I just need to let the report conclusion to soak in.