Since Alexander died, December has been a tough month for me. This year it will be especially hard because this December 20, it will be 10 years.
Ten years of memories not made together.
Ten years of missed milestones: first day of school, losing a first tooth, learning to tie shoes, riding a bike…so many things we won’t get to do.
Ten years to think about what kind of kid he would be now and the man he would become later in life.
Ten years of missing my sweet boy every single day.
Over the years, there have been genuine moments of happiness but the grief is ever present. This week the grief really seems to be weighing down on me.
I feel like a sobbing mess. After I dropped Daniel off at school today, I went for my usual Monday morning walk. Thinking about Alexander’s upcoming birthday and what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. The people at the mall must have thought I was crazy because I couldn’t stopped sobbing. The grief is just so overwhelming these days.
I called a company’s customer service department today because I needed to get a wheel replacement for our bike trailer. The sticker that had the model number on it fell off the trailer and I had to email photos of the trailer to the customer service rep. She got back to me promptly with the number and I thanked her. A little while later I got the following email from her:
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words and glad to help you out. I checked out the site. I am sadden and inspired to hear about this. I have only heard of SIDS. I can not imagine. I love that the spirit is being kept alive by the race. Please continue to be an inspiration to all.
Not only had she taken the time to look at our run website, but she also took the time to send me, a complete stranger, a note to express her sympathy. I wish I was still blissfully ignorant of SUDC but now that it’s a part of my life, I’m glad I was able to increase awareness today.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed and busy that I forget to take time for myself. For the remainder of this month, I intend to take to time each day just for me in honor of my sweet boy, Alexander. I think a more relaxed mom will be a better mom for Daniel.
I’ve decided to participate in the Capture Your Grief Project 2015.
Day 1 was sunrise. I didn’t have a good start to the project and missed the sunrise by about 10 minutes. I still took a few moments to sit quietly alone outside before starting with the busyness of the day.
Every time I checked Facebook for the past few weeks, someone was posting about another event happening on May 3. Ordinarily, they’d be events I want to attend but not on Alexander’s birthday. I wished today could have been about the frenzy of planning for a birthday party. Instead, it was another intense day of missing my boy.
A few friends did send me a text or email to acknowledge Alexander’s birthday. I know everyone gets busy and I’m ever grateful for those who still remember.
We had a quiet family day. After picking up supplies at one of the local nurseries, we spent the day gardening (planting flowers, putting down fresh mulch, etc.).
Later in the day, we visited Alexander’s grave and released 8 balloons (7 in honor of his birthday and an additional one just because). Though I talk to Daniel about Alexander, he doesn’t yet understand why we go to the cemetery and on these especially tough days, I’m happy for Daniel’s innocence.
Preparing to release a balloon in Alexander’s memory
Daniel watching the balloons.
The last of 8 balloons released for Alexander.
I was doing ok this week until I started looking at some photos of Alexander last night. We have photos of Alexander all around the house which I see everyday so was very surprised at how suddenly the sadness overtook me. I guess after Daniel being so sick early in the week and today being the anniversary of Alexander’s passing, it was just too much for me. As I said to a friend today who is also grieving the loss of a loved one: The grief does overwhelm you when you least expect it. I’m not sure that ever goes away. You just learn to let your happiness and grief coexist because they’re both now a part of your life.
Poor Daniel was sitting next to me on the couch while I was looking at the photos and didn’t know what was wrong. Even though I talk to Daniel about his brother, he doesn’t understand just yet. Soon, I will have to figure out how to tell him about what happened to Alexander.
Alexander, December 2008
The day went ok. Daniel and I did some errands this morning. After he took his nap, we planned to go to the cemetery. Sadly, the cemetery visit didn’t happen. When we arrived, the gate was already locked. We planned to decorate the little tree at our family plot and release balloons. It won’t be the anniversary but we’ll do it tomorrow. We took Daniel to buy books and then out to an early dinner. It was a nice quiet day for our family.
I normally don’t post about Alexander’s birthday or anniversary on Facebook but felt the need to do so today. The comments from friends really helped to make this difficult day just a little lighter.
Today is December 17. Three days before December 20. Three days before the 5th anniversary of the most horrible day in my day. I think of Alexander all the time but this week is especially intense. We decided to celebrate Christmas this year. We went to a tree farm and got a tree (something we haven’t done since 2008). We decorated our house and participated in our neighborhood holiday house tour. We’ve always wanted to do the house tour and felt we’d finally come to an emotional place where we could do it. These were all big steps for us.
I thought I would feel some guilt like I was moving forward and leaving Alexander behind. Maybe I was distracted because I was so busy prepping for the house tour but I really enjoyed all these activities. I feel like I’ve come to a place where my sadness and happiness about this time of the year can co-exist. I will always miss Alexander and especially during Christmas but also feel I need to have Christmas for Daniel (Alexander’s younger brother).
Daniel has been really sick the past few days. He had a high fever on Friday evening which climbed to 105 yesterday morning. I tried to remain calm for Daniel’s sake but inside I was totally freaking. When he had the 104 and 105 degree fevers, all I could think about was what if he has a febrile seizure? Will that set us up to go down the same path as Alexander? Thankfully, Daniel’s pediatrician prescribed him some antibiotics and some other things for me to do. His temp is down to only 101 this morning and he’s starting to eat a little. I never want to see my child sick but especially not this week when my emotions are already so heightened.
I think I started to breathe and relax a little about something also happening to Daniel but this week has changed for me.
Well, my sweet boy, we hosted the 4th Annual Alexander’s Run on October 26. We had a good crowd, great weather and most everything seemed to go as planned. The only thing missing was you but if you were here with us, this event wouldn’t be happening. I am grateful to have this event. It makes me feel like I’m still doing something for you and keeps me distracted from my sadness.
Today, we mark another “significant” day in our unending grief journey. Daniel is one day older than Alexander was when he died. It’s a day I’ve both dreaded coming and am grateful that it’s here. Daniel has been waking in the middle of the night/morning a lot lately, and when he screamed at 5am this morning, I was hoping he’d go back to sleep. No such luck. Yet, it was the best sound I’ve heard in a long while.
Before we head to the drive in tonight, we’re going to stop by the cemetery. With today’s impending milestone, I’ve been thinking about Alexander more than usual all week and really need to be there.
Even though we’ve only had one more day with Daniel than Alexander, I feel like we’re entering new territory. Just recently, I found myself thinking about 2nd birthday party ideas for Daniel and that scares me a little. It’s still hard to let myself believe what might be. I’m trying to have more hope that everything will be ok but some days it’s hard because I know how easily things can change.