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Today is December 17.  Three days before December 20.  Three days before the 5th anniversary of the most horrible day in my day.  I think of Alexander all the time but this week is especially intense.  We decided to celebrate Christmas this year.  We went to a tree farm and got a tree (something we haven’t done since 2008). We decorated our house and participated in our neighborhood holiday house tour.  We’ve always wanted to do the house tour and felt we’d finally come to an emotional place where we could do it.  These were all big steps for us.

I thought I would feel some guilt like I was moving forward and leaving Alexander behind.  Maybe I was distracted because I was so busy prepping for the house tour but I really enjoyed all these activities. I feel like I’ve come to a place where my sadness and happiness about this time of the year can co-exist.  I will always miss Alexander and especially during Christmas but also feel I need to have Christmas for Daniel (Alexander’s younger brother).

Daniel has been really sick the past few days.  He had a high fever on Friday evening which climbed to 105 yesterday morning.  I tried to remain calm for Daniel’s sake but inside I was totally freaking.  When he had the 104 and 105 degree fevers, all I could think about was what if he has a febrile seizure?  Will that set us up to go down the same path as Alexander? Thankfully, Daniel’s pediatrician prescribed him some antibiotics and some other things for me to do.  His temp is down to only 101 this morning and he’s starting to eat a little. I never want to see my child sick but especially not this week when my emotions are already so heightened.

I think I started to breathe and relax a little about something also happening to Daniel but this week has changed for me.