Since Alexander died, December has been a tough month for me. This year it will be especially hard because this December 20, it will be 10 years.
Ten years of memories not made together.
Ten years of missed milestones: first day of school, losing a first tooth, learning to tie shoes, riding a bike…so many things we won’t get to do.
Ten years to think about what kind of kid he would be now and the man he would become later in life.
Ten years of missing my sweet boy every single day.
Over the years, there have been genuine moments of happiness but the grief is ever present. This week the grief really seems to be weighing down on me.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Alexander! I can’t believe how quickly May 3 has come around again. After dropping Daniel off at school, I decide to go have breakfast and distract myself with some work on my computer. I usually walk on Thursday mornings but didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts on this bittersweet day. I was sitting at the table for about 3 minutes before I started to cry. I couldn’t stay. I gathered up my things and rushed out to the car where I sat and cried some more before heading home.
I’ve spent most of the day trying to distract myself. I volunteered at Daniel’s school, ran some errands, and took care of some things around the house. Alternately, I let myself cry.
I feel like a sobbing mess. After I dropped Daniel off at school today, I went for my usual Monday morning walk. Thinking about Alexander’s upcoming birthday and what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. The people at the mall must have thought I was crazy because I couldn’t stopped sobbing. The grief is just so overwhelming these days.
Alexander’s 11th birthday is in 6 short days. In the years since his death, I’ve gone through varying emotions near his birthday. In the early years, I was definitely very sad and needed to hide from the world. The last couple of years, I’ve been sad but better able to cope. I haven’t cried in a long time but today I can’t seem to stop. It took just one small thing to trigger me this morning and my emotions completely overwhelmed me. The therapist said to let the tears flow but somehow, I’ve got to pull it together before picking Daniel up from school.