I was doing ok this week until I started looking at some photos of Alexander last night. We have photos of Alexander all around the house which I see everyday so was very surprised at how suddenly the sadness overtook me. I guess after Daniel being so sick early in the week and today being the anniversary of Alexander’s passing, it was just too much for me. As I said to a friend today who is also grieving the loss of a loved one: The grief does overwhelm you when you least expect it. I’m not sure that ever goes away. You just learn to let your happiness and grief coexist because they’re both now a part of your life.
Poor Daniel was sitting next to me on the couch while I was looking at the photos and didn’t know what was wrong. Even though I talk to Daniel about his brother, he doesn’t understand just yet. Soon, I will have to figure out how to tell him about what happened to Alexander.
Alexander, December 2008
The day went ok. Daniel and I did some errands this morning. After he took his nap, we planned to go to the cemetery. Sadly, the cemetery visit didn’t happen. When we arrived, the gate was already locked. We planned to decorate the little tree at our family plot and release balloons. It won’t be the anniversary but we’ll do it tomorrow. We took Daniel to buy books and then out to an early dinner. It was a nice quiet day for our family.
I normally don’t post about Alexander’s birthday or anniversary on Facebook but felt the need to do so today. The comments from friends really helped to make this difficult day just a little lighter.
Today is December 17. Three days before December 20. Three days before the 5th anniversary of the most horrible day in my day. I think of Alexander all the time but this week is especially intense. We decided to celebrate Christmas this year. We went to a tree farm and got a tree (something we haven’t done since 2008). We decorated our house and participated in our neighborhood holiday house tour. We’ve always wanted to do the house tour and felt we’d finally come to an emotional place where we could do it. These were all big steps for us.
I thought I would feel some guilt like I was moving forward and leaving Alexander behind. Maybe I was distracted because I was so busy prepping for the house tour but I really enjoyed all these activities. I feel like I’ve come to a place where my sadness and happiness about this time of the year can co-exist. I will always miss Alexander and especially during Christmas but also feel I need to have Christmas for Daniel (Alexander’s younger brother).
Daniel has been really sick the past few days. He had a high fever on Friday evening which climbed to 105 yesterday morning. I tried to remain calm for Daniel’s sake but inside I was totally freaking. When he had the 104 and 105 degree fevers, all I could think about was what if he has a febrile seizure? Will that set us up to go down the same path as Alexander? Thankfully, Daniel’s pediatrician prescribed him some antibiotics and some other things for me to do. His temp is down to only 101 this morning and he’s starting to eat a little. I never want to see my child sick but especially not this week when my emotions are already so heightened.
I think I started to breathe and relax a little about something also happening to Daniel but this week has changed for me.