Since Alexander died, December has been a tough month for me. This year it will be especially hard because this December 20, it will be 10 years.
Ten years of memories not made together.
Ten years of missed milestones: first day of school, losing a first tooth, learning to tie shoes, riding a bike…so many things we won’t get to do.
Ten years to think about what kind of kid he would be now and the man he would become later in life.
Ten years of missing my sweet boy every single day.
Over the years, there have been genuine moments of happiness but the grief is ever present. This week the grief really seems to be weighing down on me.
I was doing ok this week until I started looking at some photos of Alexander last night. We have photos of Alexander all around the house which I see everyday so was very surprised at how suddenly the sadness overtook me. I guess after Daniel being so sick early in the week and today being the anniversary of Alexander’s passing, it was just too much for me. As I said to a friend today who is also grieving the loss of a loved one: The grief does overwhelm you when you least expect it. I’m not sure that ever goes away. You just learn to let your happiness and grief coexist because they’re both now a part of your life.
Poor Daniel was sitting next to me on the couch while I was looking at the photos and didn’t know what was wrong. Even though I talk to Daniel about his brother, he doesn’t understand just yet. Soon, I will have to figure out how to tell him about what happened to Alexander.
Alexander, December 2008
The day went ok. Daniel and I did some errands this morning. After he took his nap, we planned to go to the cemetery. Sadly, the cemetery visit didn’t happen. When we arrived, the gate was already locked. We planned to decorate the little tree at our family plot and release balloons. It won’t be the anniversary but we’ll do it tomorrow. We took Daniel to buy books and then out to an early dinner. It was a nice quiet day for our family.
I normally don’t post about Alexander’s birthday or anniversary on Facebook but felt the need to do so today. The comments from friends really helped to make this difficult day just a little lighter.