Monthly Archives: December 2009

While others have been eagerly awaiting the holiday week, I’ve been feeling nothing but dread.  It’s definitely been a long and emotional time for me. I needed to remind myself each morning of the day of the week.

Sunday, December 20 was one year since Alexander left us.  Dan and I slept late. Neither of us wanting to wake to the day that a year ago changed our lives so radically.  While nothing can make us forget Alexander or our pain, we distracted ourselves by playing lots of Wii and reading.  We also talked about Alexander during the day.  Surprisingly, the anticipation of the one year anniversary was harder on me than the day itself.  Maybe, it’s because I felt so numb.

Due to the heavy snow, the gates were locked at the cemetery and we were unable to visit Alexander’s grave today.  Dan suggested “breaking in” but I didn’t want to do that. The cemetery is Alexander’s final resting place for his physical body but he’s not there.  I carry Alexander with me at all times so while I was disappointed we weren’t able to get in, I was ok.

Monday, December 21 was one year and one day since Alexander left us.  Still feeling numb.

Tuesday, December 22 was another day in my journey through grief.

Wednesday, December 23 – On this date a year ago, we buried Alexander.  It was and continues to be the second worst day in my life.  Dan and I went to the cemetery and then to a movie.  We finished the evening by going out to dinner.  Again.

Thursday, December 24 – Isn’t Christmas over yet?  For those of us not in the Christmas mood, this one day holiday seems to go on forever.

Two of my most loved holiday movies were on this evening: It’s A Wonderful Life and White Christmas.  I couldn’t bear to watch either.

Friday, December 25 was another day of distractions.  I don’t think I can face the cheerfulness of the outside world.  I read and watched tv all day.  As it turns out, December 25 is an excellent day to go out for dinner.  There are no lines and service is fast.  We went to a Malaysian/Thai restaurant near our home where several others had the same idea.

Saturday, December 26 and I’m starting to emerge a bit from the fog of the week.  I’ve spent the entire day vegging out at home.  I did manage to workout while Dan was at the movies.  It’s out to dinner again for us tonight.

Sunday, December 27 and another week begins…

While listening to NPR last week, I heard about a play in Philly called Rabbit Hole.  The play is about a couple struggling to survive after the tragic loss of their 4 year old son who had been killed in a car accident.

Dan and I went to see it last night and had very different reactions to it.  I really liked Becca (the mother).  In many ways, her fictional experience is similar to my own life.  She also said and did some things I wish I could do. But, Rabbit Hole is a play and I’m living in the real world.  I also enjoyed the performance by Howie (the father) and the comic relief (yes, there were moments of laughter) offered by Nat, the mother.

The performances by  Becca’s sister and Jason, the teenager responsible for the car accident, left something to be desired in my opinion.  As it turns out, Becca’s sister is pregnant.  Dan felt she represented the “future” while Jason represented the “past”  and as such, their performances weren’t that important and could be dismissed.

Overall, I found it helpful to attend.

After the play ended, we both felt the need to decompress so we had dinner at a little place not far from the theater.

Before going to the show, I discussed it with my therapist and we agreed I should see it if I was feeling up to it.  My own life still makes me sad and tearful, but I’m glad I went to see Rabbit Hole.

Dan and I attended a remembrance ceremony today hosted by the SIDS Center of New Jersey.  God and prayers were mentioned too many times for me but it was still a beautiful service.  It was very emotional.  At one point, they did a slideshow of our children.  Seeing Alexander’s big brown eyes staring back at me from the large screen at the front of the room was so hard.

We both left the service feeling emotionally drained.  Dan said he hadn’t felt that way since Alexander’s funeral service on December 23, 2008.

I miss Alexander so, so much.