Thanksgiving week is usually one of my favorite weeks of the year because I get to celebrate Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and my birthday. I usually only do something big for my birthday every 5 years and otherwise, I’d just go out for a nice dinner. However, this year the thought of celebrating my birthday when Alexander didn’t even get to celebrate his second just made me too sad to even want to go out for dinner. The best gift everyone could give me this year was to let the day pass without mention.
I know I should be thankful for the things I have: good health, cozy home, family and friends who care about me, etc. I’m missing Alexander and not feeling so thankful. Instead, I’m feeling angry, sad, and depressed.
As the holiday season kicks into high gear, I wonder how I’ll survive the next few weeks. All around us people are putting up their Christmas trees and shopping for presents. I’m just trying to figure out what I’ll do for the first anniversary of Alexander’s passing. I wish I could avoid Christmas this year but I can’t. It’s everywhere.
Dan and I have decided to seclude ourselves at home during the second half of December. He’s planning to work on a small renovation project and I’ll probably do some work on my website.
This past Friday, November 20, makes it 11 months since Alexander passing.
On Saturday, we finally completed a task we’ve been postponing for the past 11 months. We ordered the headstone for our family plot. We still need to decide what to put on the stone but we’ve got some time since it will take a couple of months for the stone to arrive. Aside from what to include about Alexander, we also have to decide if we add our names to the headstone now or wait until later. It will hard enough to see Alexander’s name so I’m not really sure I always want to see mine there as well. It just doesn’t seem like something one should see while still living.
Things just weren’t supposed to happen this way.
During the summer days, the cemetery stays open until 7pm. As it begins to get dark earlier, they switch the closing time to 5pm. Not realizing the hours were changing, I visited Alexander in the early evening and got locked in. Thankfully, the caretaker was still on the grounds and was able to unlock the gate for me. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.
Thursday was a busy day. In addition to getting locked in the cemetery, I also got an education on taxes. As usual, Dan and I were among the late filers. Our accountant called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that our tax forms had been rejected because of Alexander’s social security number and that we’d have to file manually.
I finally picked up the taxes and while there, I reviewed the rejection note and asked for more explanation. Our accountant didn’t know specifically why the rejection happened but we both guessed it was because the social security office had been notified of Alexander’s passing. Apparently, when taxes are filed electronically, the social security numbers are first transmitted to the social security office to verify their validity. Who knew? Since I haven’t had the energy to contact them yet, I guess the hospital or medical examiner’s office must have notified them.
I checked online and sure enough there are a few genealogy websites which allow you to search the social security death index (I’m not kidding. That’s really what it’s called) and Alexander’s name is listed there. I couldn’t believe there were only 6 Alexander Dodsons in the index. Aside from our sweet little boy, there were 2 born in the late 1800s and 3 born in the 1900s.
The index even includes the social security number. With records being so automated and easily checked these days, I guess it’s a little difficult to steal the identity of these folks but still, it seems odd that their numbers are listed.
It made me sad to see Alexander’s name because it was yet another reminder of our loss.