Since Alexander died, December has been a tough month for me. This year it will be especially hard because this December 20, it will be 10 years.
Ten years of memories not made together.
Ten years of missed milestones: first day of school, losing a first tooth, learning to tie shoes, riding a bike…so many things we won’t get to do.
Ten years to think about what kind of kid he would be now and the man he would become later in life.
Ten years of missing my sweet boy every single day.
Over the years, there have been genuine moments of happiness but the grief is ever present. This week the grief really seems to be weighing down on me.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Alexander! I can’t believe how quickly May 3 has come around again. After dropping Daniel off at school, I decide to go have breakfast and distract myself with some work on my computer. I usually walk on Thursday mornings but didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts on this bittersweet day. I was sitting at the table for about 3 minutes before I started to cry. I couldn’t stay. I gathered up my things and rushed out to the car where I sat and cried some more before heading home.
I’ve spent most of the day trying to distract myself. I volunteered at Daniel’s school, ran some errands, and took care of some things around the house. Alternately, I let myself cry.
I feel like a sobbing mess. After I dropped Daniel off at school today, I went for my usual Monday morning walk. Thinking about Alexander’s upcoming birthday and what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. The people at the mall must have thought I was crazy because I couldn’t stopped sobbing. The grief is just so overwhelming these days.
Alexander’s 11th birthday is in 6 short days. In the years since his death, I’ve gone through varying emotions near his birthday. In the early years, I was definitely very sad and needed to hide from the world. The last couple of years, I’ve been sad but better able to cope. I haven’t cried in a long time but today I can’t seem to stop. It took just one small thing to trigger me this morning and my emotions completely overwhelmed me. The therapist said to let the tears flow but somehow, I’ve got to pull it together before picking Daniel up from school.
I called a company’s customer service department today because I needed to get a wheel replacement for our bike trailer. The sticker that had the model number on it fell off the trailer and I had to email photos of the trailer to the customer service rep. She got back to me promptly with the number and I thanked her. A little while later I got the following email from her:
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words and glad to help you out. I checked out the site. I am sadden and inspired to hear about this. I have only heard of SIDS. I can not imagine. I love that the spirit is being kept alive by the race. Please continue to be an inspiration to all.
Not only had she taken the time to look at our run website, but she also took the time to send me, a complete stranger, a note to express her sympathy. I wish I was still blissfully ignorant of SUDC but now that it’s a part of my life, I’m glad I was able to increase awareness today.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed and busy that I forget to take time for myself. For the remainder of this month, I intend to take to time each day just for me in honor of my sweet boy, Alexander. I think a more relaxed mom will be a better mom for Daniel.
I’ve decided to participate in the Capture Your Grief Project 2015.
Day 1 was sunrise. I didn’t have a good start to the project and missed the sunrise by about 10 minutes. I still took a few moments to sit quietly alone outside before starting with the busyness of the day.