Tag Archives: toddler sids

Today is December 17.  Three days before December 20.  Three days before the 5th anniversary of the most horrible day in my day.  I think of Alexander all the time but this week is especially intense.  We decided to celebrate Christmas this year.  We went to a tree farm and got a tree (something we haven’t done since 2008). We decorated our house and participated in our neighborhood holiday house tour.  We’ve always wanted to do the house tour and felt we’d finally come to an emotional place where we could do it.  These were all big steps for us.

I thought I would feel some guilt like I was moving forward and leaving Alexander behind.  Maybe I was distracted because I was so busy prepping for the house tour but I really enjoyed all these activities. I feel like I’ve come to a place where my sadness and happiness about this time of the year can co-exist.  I will always miss Alexander and especially during Christmas but also feel I need to have Christmas for Daniel (Alexander’s younger brother).

Daniel has been really sick the past few days.  He had a high fever on Friday evening which climbed to 105 yesterday morning.  I tried to remain calm for Daniel’s sake but inside I was totally freaking.  When he had the 104 and 105 degree fevers, all I could think about was what if he has a febrile seizure?  Will that set us up to go down the same path as Alexander? Thankfully, Daniel’s pediatrician prescribed him some antibiotics and some other things for me to do.  His temp is down to only 101 this morning and he’s starting to eat a little. I never want to see my child sick but especially not this week when my emotions are already so heightened.

I think I started to breathe and relax a little about something also happening to Daniel but this week has changed for me.

Early this morning, the Angelcare monitor started beeping.  This is the first time the alarm has sounded and I momentarily froze. I checked the screen and quickly figured out the problem was related to Daniel’s room being too cold not that he’d stopped moving. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t have handled it if it had been anything else especially today.

I’ve been sad about today’s upcoming anniversary for the last few weeks.  I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it.  I tried to just live each day and busy myself with taking care of Daniel. I thought I was doing ok until this morning.  Then, all of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby boy isn’t here and I just had to stop and cry for a while.

Dan, Daniel and I had a “relaxed” day.  After Daniel’s morning nap, we ran a few errands and then went to the cemetery to leave a small evergreen for Alexander.  This is the first time we’ve taken a tree for the holidays. I forgot the decorations so we’ll need to go back over the weekend to add them to the tree.

I’m sad for myself that Alexander isn’t here. I’m also very sad that my two boys will never get a chance to meet and do the things that brothers do. I talk to Daniel about Alexander often and will continue to do as he gets older but it’s just not the same.

I’m grateful to the many friends who texted, emailed and posted on Facebook about Alexander today.  Of course, he’s special to me and it was nice to know he touched so many others.

I received a card from our local The Compassionate Friends chapter this week and it had a quote on it that I think I want to frame:

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy

I think she’s right.  The pain is never gone.  It’s just becomes manageable.

Why do perfect strangers think it’s o.k. to ask questions about my pregnancy? When are you due? Is this your first?  I think I’ll pull my hair out if one more person asks me if this is my first pregnancy.   I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made with ‘No, this isn’t my first pregnancy.  My first child is named Alexander and he died in December 2008. Now, back off and stop asking me questions.’  The sign may seem a little harsh but I’m so tired of strangers asking questions.  Why can’t they  just leave me alone and let me enjoy my pregnancy.

Since losing Alexander, I have definitely become more sensitive.  Questions I thought were innocent before can now cause a deep wound.  It has also made me realize that you just never know what a person’s situation is or what they’re going through at any given time.  So, it might be better to wait and let them take the lead in what they want to share.