There are so many things that I miss and will continue to miss about Alexander. Here are just a few I thought about as I was going through the day today.
I miss waking up to the feeling of Alexander curled against my back and his head on my pillow after he’s spent the night sleeping in our bed.
I never thought I’d be a parent to let my child sleep in my bed but Alexander taught me to never say never when it comes to kids. When he wasn’t feeling well, I felt better if he slept with us so I could keep an eye on him. There were also those times when he refused to go to sleep and we were both tired so upstairs he had to come. He liked sleeping in the big bed with mommy and daddy.
I miss making waffles with Alexander.
I miss seeing him run around in the backyard and playing with his balls. In addition to the balls I bought for him, Alexander also liked to play with our tennis balls. A friend gave him a tennis racquet and he was just getting to where he could hold the racquet and sorta hit the ball. He got the concept even if he wasn’t quite coordinated yet to execute.
I miss hearing how excited he’d get when the phone or doorbell would ring. Our doorbell rings through our phone. Even though some adults had trouble figuring it out, Alexander could always tell when it was the door and when it was the phone. If it was the door, he’d stop what he was doing and run to the door so we could walk out to the hall and greet whoever was visiting us. If it was the phone, he’d stand under the alcove where we keep the phone and wait for me to answer.
I miss our weekly (ok, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week) trips to Target.
I miss our sing alongs in the car. Well, I was singing while Alexander clapped and smiled as mommy entertained him.
I miss the quiet of nap time. Only to be happy again when it was over so we could have more fun together.
I miss his mop of hair and how curly it’d get when it was wet. Dan and I had an ongoing conversation about when we’d get Alexander’s hair cut. I didn’t want it cut and Dan was itching for the father/son experience in the barbershop of having their hair cut together. In the end, the only time Alexander had his hair cut was following his service. Unbeknownst to me, Dan had arranged for the funeral home to cut a small lock of Alexander’s hair which Dan later gave to me.
I miss how excited Alexander would get if I held him in my lap while we watched a video on my laptop. Or, when I’d let him sit at my desk upstairs and watch a video on my desktop. Alexander loved hitting the buttons on the computer so I finally decided to keep all the programs on the desktop closed when I wasn’t actually using it. Instead, I’d only leave open a browser showing Sprout Online. Alexander would have fun banging away on the site. He didn’t know what he was doing but he made it fun for himself.
I miss our walks to the post office to drop off orders I needed to ship. Before he could walk, I would push Alexander in the stroller and stuff boxes in and around him so we could get to the post office. As he got older, he wanted to walk and push the stoller.
I miss our walks to the tot lot in our neighborhood.
I miss doing laundry together.
I miss the gate that separated the basement from the first floor. We’d long ago taken down the baby gate upstairs and this was the only gate we were still using with Alexander. Dan sold the desk in his office so needed to move the gate in order to bring it up from the basement. It didn’t make sense to put the gate back once it was down, but with each small thing of Alexander’s that is moved from sight, it feels like another piece of him we’re putting away.
I miss sitting with him at his little table in kitchen and coloring with him.
I miss watching him climb all over Dan trying to find the most comfortable spot as we settled in for our nightly episode of Wheel of Fortune.