At this time, 5 weeks ago, Alexander and I were watching an episode of Jack’s Big Music Show while I tidied up the kitchen from breakfast and answered a few emails.
Now, I just wish he were here so we could do those things.
When Alexander was first born, I cherished the weekly milestones. Now, they just fill me with dread. With each week that passes, it’s another week without my precious Alexander.
I still find it so hard to believe he’s gone and keep asking why? Why Alexander? Why didn’t I know he was in trouble? Why didn’t I check on him before I left that morning? Why? Why? Why?
As I slowly begin to accept the hand that fate has dealt me, I’ve begun to internalize some of my feelings and thoughts to share with Alexander alone. I still talk about Alexander often with Dan but I can’t keep answering the constant, “How are you feeling?”.
I know everyone is trying to be nice and really don’t know what to say in this situation, but for now, that is a hard, painful question for me. My only child, who I spent nearly every minute of every day with for 19 1/2 months is gone. I’m existing through the days but I’m not feeling ok. I won’t be for quite a while but at some point in the future, I hope I will.