When I woke this morning, I heard a voice in my head say “Stay Strong”. I don’t know if that was stay strong for what I’m facing now or because there are more bad things to come for me/us. Either way, I don’t know if I can be strong.
We had several visitors yesterday. They were all planned so it was ok and we spaced them out enough so that it wasn’t overwhelming. The last visitors brought us dinner and it was nice to just to have a casual dinner with friends. The evening didn’t focus on Alexander and how we’re doing but he was definitely part of the evening as we were able to comfortably weave memories of him in the conversation throughout the evening. I thought I was doing ok yesterday but when the last of our visitors left, I broke down crying. I looked around our house and seeing the pictures of Alexander just reminded me of how much we’ve lost.
I recently received a prayer book. I know some people find comfort in their faith when faced with a tragedy but Dan and I weren’t religious before Alexander’s passing so praying to a God that took away my precious son offers me no comfort now.
I had another dream about Alexander. Dan, Alexander and I were attending a lavish party at someone’s home. There was food everywhere and the house had every luxury one could imagine. We’ve never been to anyplace like this so I’m not sure where we were. I only know we were all happy just being together. Whenever Alexander visits me in my dreams, it always make me feel peaceful (and a little sad when I wake) and I welcome his joyful visits.