5 weeks

Five weeks.

At this time, 5 weeks ago, Alexander and I were watching an episode of Jack’s Big Music Show while I tidied up the kitchen from breakfast and answered a few emails.

Now, I just wish he were here so we could do those things.

When Alexander was first born, I cherished the weekly milestones.  Now, they just fill me with dread.  With each week that passes, it’s another week without my precious Alexander.

I still find it so hard to believe he’s gone and keep asking why? Why Alexander?  Why didn’t I know he was in trouble?  Why didn’t I check on him before I left that morning? Why? Why? Why?

As I slowly begin to accept the hand that fate has dealt me, I’ve begun to internalize some of my feelings and thoughts to share with Alexander alone.  I still talk about Alexander often with Dan but I can’t keep answering the constant, “How are you feeling?”.

I know everyone is trying to be nice and really don’t know what to say in this situation, but for now, that is a hard, painful question for me.  My only child, who I spent nearly every minute of every day with for 19 1/2 months is gone.  I’m existing through the days but I’m not feeling ok.  I won’t be for quite a while but at some point in the future, I hope I will.

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