Numbing the pain

I got a hug from Alexander yesterday. It was in my dreams but felt very real and was so needed.

Last night, Dan and I attended our first “big” event since Alexander’s service. It was a kickoff event for the Alexander Michael Dodson Memorial Scholarship Fund. It was good to see people but I wish it could have been for a different reason.

I miss Alexander so much.

I love food but I don’t eat a lot these days. Instead, I drink a lot of wine. The wine provides a nice numbing agent for a few hours. Unfortunately, when I wake in the morning and the wine has worn off, the pain of my loss is there all over again. The pain is there when I see a picture of Alexander dressed in his cowboy outfit for Halloween. I’m not a big fan of Halloween but we took Alexander out last year because I didn’t want him to miss out on the fun. He didn’t go for the candy (thank goodness) but really enjoyed the social part of playing with the other kids. The pain is there when I think about the fact we won’t get to see Alexander go to prom, graduate from high school or get married. The pain is just always there.

One of the “don’ts” on the list of the what friends and family should and shouldn’t do for/with a bereaved parent is to not encourage them to drink excessively. For the time being, I’ve decided to ignore this piece of advice.

I miss that even though I know he did, I’ll never get to hear Alexander say I love you mommy.

How can he just not be here?

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