I miss Alexander so much that sometimes the pain is unbearable. Today was another one of those very weepy days for me.
Dan is planning to start back to work next week and decided to go into the office for a half day today to see how things would go. Since he was going to be gone for most of the day, I had lunch with a couple of friends. After lunch, I went to visit Alexander. We recently bought a silk flower arrangement to put out at the grave which I took with me today. The ground was too hard and I wasn’t able to get the stakes in the ground to secure it so we’ll try again tomorrow when Dan goes with me.
When I got the mail this afternoon, I just bawled. A friend sent photos of Alexander from an event we attended at her house. He looked so happy that day. In the mail were so many reminders of Alexander. I got a credit card from Babies R Us early last year because you got 2 for 1 points every time you shopped at Babies R Us or Toys R Us. I figured I had a lot of time to shop for Alexander over the years and gift certificates always come in handy. Seeing my earned gift certificate in the mail only made me sad and teary especially since it expires just after the 2nd birthday he won’t be here to celebrate. This weepiness is probably a holdover from a couple of days ago when the anesthesiologist’s bill arrived which also made me very upset. I know the doctors did everything they could to try to save Alexander but it’s still hard to see these bills which just serve as further reminders of my loss.
I have made a couple of changes as I try to figure out my new normal. As I receive baby centered catalogs or I can remember catalogs that I’ve received in the past, I’ve contacted them and asked to be removed from their mailing lists. I also called my cleaning service today and asked that our weekly cleaning be switched to a different day because it’s just too much of a reminder of my routine with Alexander. I can’t do anything to erase the pain I feel but hopefully these small changes will help ease the pain just a little.
Treasure these tiny victories: a load of laundry folded and put away, a phone call made, a bill paid. It’s good to grieve. In time, it’s also good to answer grief. Answer it with your own ability. Will you go out tonight and enjoy dinner and a movie with friends? Will you go shopping, get the car serviced and pick up the dry cleaning? No way. Not yet. And you know what? No one expects that. But a walk around the park one day, a cup of tea downtown a few days later, a trip to the store for new towels a week after that — as I said, tiny victories. Savor them. They will set you on a path back to YOU.