Since Alexander died, December has been a tough month for me. This year it will be especially hard because this December 20, it will be 10 years.
Ten years of memories not made together.
Ten years of missed milestones: first day of school, losing a first tooth, learning to tie shoes, riding a bike…so many things we won’t get to do.
Ten years to think about what kind of kid he would be now and the man he would become later in life.
Ten years of missing my sweet boy every single day.
Over the years, there have been genuine moments of happiness but the grief is ever present. This week the grief really seems to be weighing down on me.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Alexander! I can’t believe how quickly May 3 has come around again. After dropping Daniel off at school, I decide to go have breakfast and distract myself with some work on my computer. I usually walk on Thursday mornings but didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts on this bittersweet day. I was sitting at the table for about 3 minutes before I started to cry. I couldn’t stay. I gathered up my things and rushed out to the car where I sat and cried some more before heading home.
I’ve spent most of the day trying to distract myself. I volunteered at Daniel’s school, ran some errands, and took care of some things around the house. Alternately, I let myself cry.
Alexander’s 11th birthday is in 6 short days. In the years since his death, I’ve gone through varying emotions near his birthday. In the early years, I was definitely very sad and needed to hide from the world. The last couple of years, I’ve been sad but better able to cope. I haven’t cried in a long time but today I can’t seem to stop. It took just one small thing to trigger me this morning and my emotions completely overwhelmed me. The therapist said to let the tears flow but somehow, I’ve got to pull it together before picking Daniel up from school.
Summer is over and school has begun. All the t.v. commercials and talk of the first day of school didn’t bother me a couple of weeks ago. Even the first photos of friends sending their kids off to school that appeared on Facebook didn’t bother me. Now, it’s a little overwhelming. Alexander would have turned 6 this past May and should be heading to first grade this year with the rest of his friends.
I miss my sweet boy so much.
After the long wait, I received a draft of the report from the SUDC research study this afternoon. I emailed the research associate earlier in the week to check on the status of Alexander’s case review and she told me to expect the report this week. I told myself I would wait before reading the report but as soon as I saw the email today, I had to stop what I was doing and read it.
I had mixed emotions about finally getting the report. Part of me was filled with dread there would be no answers and I would be left to wonder what happened to my child and why. The other part of me was scared they would find something that I should have known about and prevented Alexander’s death. Either way, it was going to be hard to read.
Much of the report was based on family history that Dan and I provided along with Alexander’s medical records so it was all information I knew. Based on this information and evaluation of tissue samples provided by the medical examiner in our town, Dr. Krous and his team concluded that Alexander’s death was caused by Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. The report did say they couldn’t rule our cardiac arrhythmia (such as that caused by Long QT syndrome). I’ve been in touch with the Long QT study at the Mayo Clinic to check on the status of Alexander’s case review with them but haven’t back yet.
So, for now, we still have no answers. I’m a bit numb and feeling a wide mix of emotions. I’ll probably reread the report and then schedule a conference call with Dr. Krous in a few weeks to review his findings. For now, I just need to let the report conclusion to soak in.