Today is December 17. Three days before December 20. Three days before the 5th anniversary of the most horrible day in my day. I think of Alexander all the time but this week is especially intense. We decided to celebrate Christmas this year. We went to a tree farm and got a tree (something we haven’t done since 2008). We decorated our house and participated in our neighborhood holiday house tour. We’ve always wanted to do the house tour and felt we’d finally come to an emotional place where we could do it. These were all big steps for us.
I thought I would feel some guilt like I was moving forward and leaving Alexander behind. Maybe I was distracted because I was so busy prepping for the house tour but I really enjoyed all these activities. I feel like I’ve come to a place where my sadness and happiness about this time of the year can co-exist. I will always miss Alexander and especially during Christmas but also feel I need to have Christmas for Daniel (Alexander’s younger brother).
Daniel has been really sick the past few days. He had a high fever on Friday evening which climbed to 105 yesterday morning. I tried to remain calm for Daniel’s sake but inside I was totally freaking. When he had the 104 and 105 degree fevers, all I could think about was what if he has a febrile seizure? Will that set us up to go down the same path as Alexander? Thankfully, Daniel’s pediatrician prescribed him some antibiotics and some other things for me to do. His temp is down to only 101 this morning and he’s starting to eat a little. I never want to see my child sick but especially not this week when my emotions are already so heightened.
I think I started to breathe and relax a little about something also happening to Daniel but this week has changed for me.
Well, my sweet boy, we hosted the 4th Annual Alexander’s Run on October 26. We had a good crowd, great weather and most everything seemed to go as planned. The only thing missing was you but if you were here with us, this event wouldn’t be happening. I am grateful to have this event. It makes me feel like I’m still doing something for you and keeps me distracted from my sadness.
Summer is over and school has begun. All the t.v. commercials and talk of the first day of school didn’t bother me a couple of weeks ago. Even the first photos of friends sending their kids off to school that appeared on Facebook didn’t bother me. Now, it’s a little overwhelming. Alexander would have turned 6 this past May and should be heading to first grade this year with the rest of his friends.
I miss my sweet boy so much.
Today, we mark another “significant” day in our unending grief journey. Daniel is one day older than Alexander was when he died. It’s a day I’ve both dreaded coming and am grateful that it’s here. Daniel has been waking in the middle of the night/morning a lot lately, and when he screamed at 5am this morning, I was hoping he’d go back to sleep. No such luck. Yet, it was the best sound I’ve heard in a long while.
Before we head to the drive in tonight, we’re going to stop by the cemetery. With today’s impending milestone, I’ve been thinking about Alexander more than usual all week and really need to be there.
Even though we’ve only had one more day with Daniel than Alexander, I feel like we’re entering new territory. Just recently, I found myself thinking about 2nd birthday party ideas for Daniel and that scares me a little. It’s still hard to let myself believe what might be. I’m trying to have more hope that everything will be ok but some days it’s hard because I know how easily things can change.
Early this morning, the Angelcare monitor started beeping. This is the first time the alarm has sounded and I momentarily froze. I checked the screen and quickly figured out the problem was related to Daniel’s room being too cold not that he’d stopped moving. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t have handled it if it had been anything else especially today.
I’ve been sad about today’s upcoming anniversary for the last few weeks. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to just live each day and busy myself with taking care of Daniel. I thought I was doing ok until this morning. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby boy isn’t here and I just had to stop and cry for a while.
Dan, Daniel and I had a “relaxed” day. After Daniel’s morning nap, we ran a few errands and then went to the cemetery to leave a small evergreen for Alexander. This is the first time we’ve taken a tree for the holidays. I forgot the decorations so we’ll need to go back over the weekend to add them to the tree.
I’m sad for myself that Alexander isn’t here. I’m also very sad that my two boys will never get a chance to meet and do the things that brothers do. I talk to Daniel about Alexander often and will continue to do as he gets older but it’s just not the same.
I’m grateful to the many friends who texted, emailed and posted on Facebook about Alexander today. Of course, he’s special to me and it was nice to know he touched so many others.
I received a card from our local The Compassionate Friends chapter this week and it had a quote on it that I think I want to frame:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy
I think she’s right. The pain is never gone. It’s just becomes manageable.
We should be celebrating Alexander’s 5th birthday today.
Instead of eating cake and ice cream, I’m spending part of the day working on planning for the 3rd Annual Alexander’s Run.
Though he doesn’t understand me, I’ll talk to Daniel about his older brother and how much I wish they had been able to grow up together.
Instead of Alexander blowing out 5 candles on his cake, we’ll go to the cemetery later and release 5 balloons.
When I looked into Alexander’s eyes 5 years ago at the hospital, this isn’t how I thought I’d spend his birthdays. I’m glad I have happy memories to keep me going on these tough days.
The recent SUDC quilt was unveiled at the 10th anniversary event on April 14. I’e never done a quilt square until now. My square isn’t very creative but it is from the heart. I’m glad I was able to include Alexander along with the other children.