Thanksgiving week is usually one of my favorite weeks of the year because I get to celebrate Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and my birthday. I usually only do something big for my birthday every 5 years and otherwise, I’d just go out for a nice dinner. However, this year the thought of celebrating my birthday when Alexander didn’t even get to celebrate his second just made me too sad to even want to go out for dinner. The best gift everyone could give me this year was to let the day pass without mention.
I know I should be thankful for the things I have: good health, cozy home, family and friends who care about me, etc. I’m missing Alexander and not feeling so thankful. Instead, I’m feeling angry, sad, and depressed.
As the holiday season kicks into high gear, I wonder how I’ll survive the next few weeks. All around us people are putting up their Christmas trees and shopping for presents. I’m just trying to figure out what I’ll do for the first anniversary of Alexander’s passing. I wish I could avoid Christmas this year but I can’t. It’s everywhere.
Dan and I have decided to seclude ourselves at home during the second half of December. He’s planning to work on a small renovation project and I’ll probably do some work on my website.
As Dec. 20th gets closer I wish I had an Alexander site too.
I find myself crying much more often than I did earlier in the year, 3-4 times a day.
Some feelings are seeming more distant and some just more painful.
I’m starting to resent people asking how I’m feeling or “How’s Michelle”. What am I supposed to say? I don’t want to have that intimate moment every time I answer. For us its a very loaded question and has much greater meaning than when its used as a stock greeting.
If I feel good, I feel guilty or like I’ve disappointed the asker somehow. I always think they want to hear about the car crash of emotions.
Then what do I say about Michelle? “Oh yeah she’s having a grand ole time. Couldn’t be better.” Or do I say, “yep she’s been feeling a bit blue”, sort of like a weather reporter during winter in Minnesota.
When people ask me “how I’m doing” they’ve got to know its a very different, a very complicated and sometimes a painful question.
There will be no Christmas decorations in the house and we’ll not see anybody this year. Because for gosh sakes I don’t want to hear “How’s your Christmas”.
Thinking and praying for you guys – Do whatever you need to, to get through this season.
Dan and Michelle, just wanted to say Chris and I think of you both very often. I hope that as time goes on, you will continue to heal and feel less pain. We will never forget his happy smile and great spirit.