While others have been eagerly awaiting the holiday week, I’ve been feeling nothing but dread. It’s definitely been a long and emotional time for me. I needed to remind myself each morning of the day of the week.
Sunday, December 20 was one year since Alexander left us. Dan and I slept late. Neither of us wanting to wake to the day that a year ago changed our lives so radically. While nothing can make us forget Alexander or our pain, we distracted ourselves by playing lots of Wii and reading. We also talked about Alexander during the day. Surprisingly, the anticipation of the one year anniversary was harder on me than the day itself. Maybe, it’s because I felt so numb.
Due to the heavy snow, the gates were locked at the cemetery and we were unable to visit Alexander’s grave today. Dan suggested “breaking in” but I didn’t want to do that. The cemetery is Alexander’s final resting place for his physical body but he’s not there. I carry Alexander with me at all times so while I was disappointed we weren’t able to get in, I was ok.
Monday, December 21 was one year and one day since Alexander left us. Still feeling numb.
Tuesday, December 22 was another day in my journey through grief.
Wednesday, December 23 – On this date a year ago, we buried Alexander. It was and continues to be the second worst day in my life. Dan and I went to the cemetery and then to a movie. We finished the evening by going out to dinner. Again.
Thursday, December 24 – Isn’t Christmas over yet? For those of us not in the Christmas mood, this one day holiday seems to go on forever.
Two of my most loved holiday movies were on this evening: It’s A Wonderful Life and White Christmas. I couldn’t bear to watch either.
Friday, December 25 was another day of distractions. I don’t think I can face the cheerfulness of the outside world. I read and watched tv all day. As it turns out, December 25 is an excellent day to go out for dinner. There are no lines and service is fast. We went to a Malaysian/Thai restaurant near our home where several others had the same idea.
Saturday, December 26 and I’m starting to emerge a bit from the fog of the week. I’ve spent the entire day vegging out at home. I did manage to workout while Dan was at the movies. It’s out to dinner again for us tonight.
Sunday, December 27 and another week begins…
Of course I’m thinking about you and I love you guys. I’m trying to respect your wishes of no contact, so I hope you read this whenever you are ready and just know that you are in my thoughts frequently. (No response is necessary.)
Our thoughts are with you.
I remember the fog I was in last Christmas and can’t even imagine how difficult this whole month must have been for you (and probably the aftermath too). Glad you guys are continuing to hold tight to each other (going out to dinner, playing Wii, etc.), that’s sooo important for you both! Alexander is gone but never forgotten (even if I never met him!)
I’ve been thinking about you and Dan since I saw you this week. I was so glad to see you out – though I can see how every little thing can bring up a painful memory. Take care of yourself and each other.
I remember those days. I’m not sure how I got through them. I think I was in a haze. I just existed day by day. Not wanting to go on, but not really having a choice. You are in my thoughts ((hugs)). The first and second Christmas I had with out Isabella were some of the worst days of my life (next to loosing her and burying her- and those corresponding dates
As we approach the three-year mark since our precious Natalie left us, I am reminded by you of that horrific first year. You describe so much of what I felt that first year. It is incomrehensible to lose a child and as time goes on, this feeling has never changed for me. I am so sorry for your loss and I send you hugs and good wishes that you find comfort where you can. Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Stopping into say hello and to let you know I thought of you both through the holidays (as well as other times too) but especially over the holidays. I knew you were staying close to home and to yourselves from the posts I saw here. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and Alexander. Miss you. Tami