Today

I was doing some work on Alexander’s Run today and decided to stop by the bank to ask questions about setting up an account.  The first question the bank rep asked me was “How’s the baby?”.

It’s been more than a year and I still have to tell people what happened.  I’m sure my grief will never end (change over time but not end) but I wish I didn’t have to continue to tell people that Alexander has passed.  Can’t they see the sadness and grief that surrounds me?  Can’t they see a big part of me is missing?  I got through our conversation without shedding any tears and I’m sure that’s the reason the bank person told me ‘I was doing so well’.  If only she knew…

4 responses to “Today

  1. It seems so apparent to me too that people should know we’re “different.” Whenever I see pictures of myself, my first thought is always whether it is a before picture or an after picture. And it’s so easy to tell. It’s like something is forever gone from my eyes. I’m sorry that you have to keep answering these types of questions. I don’t get them much anymore unless people ask how many children I have and then I always give credit to my babies in Heaven. Sometimes though, I’ve actually wanted people to ask b/c I never got a chance to tell them myself or show them a picture of Felicity. Someday no one will remember, I’m afraid. And that scares me!

  2. After reading your story I am compelled to thank you for so bravely sharing your heartfelt feelings. A look into the life of a mother in mouring is devastating and has brought tears to my eyes. Though I do not know what you are feeling, I do feel for you. I know nothing I can say as a stranger can bring you comfort. Just know that my thoughts are with you and the memory of your precious child. While trying to find ways to express sympathy and support for a family member who has lost a daughter I ran accoss your story and beautiful photos of your adorable son. Alexander’s brilliant and beautiful smile is a gift to this world that can never be taken away or erased. I am glad you are putting it out there for all to see.

  3. I had another person ask after Alexander last week. The woman doesn’t know us well at all and her boyfriend (who knows me a bit better) did step in.

    It was uncomfortable. I couldn’t dwell on it and I had to change the subject.

    I miss Alexander.

  4. Sorry that you still have to tell people.

    It has been a year since our loss as well and I still have to tell the news. Within town most people know which helps, but out in other places, I continue to tell people. The worst is when I am having a conversation with someone I haven’t seen in awhile and desperately trying to figure out if they know before they can ask about the kids.

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