I haven’t posted in a while because things have been status quo.
I think about Alexander all the time. The sadness and loneliness I feel at him not being here have become my constant companions. Most days I manage okay. I don’t cry every day like I used to and I can think about the happy moments.
Dan and I went to see Alexander’s headstone for the first time on Friday. It’s actually a family headstone since we also have our names engraved on it, too. Seeing my own name on the stone didn’t bother me. Seeing Alexander’s birth and death (still a hard word for me to say) dates at such a young age brought on another wave of sadness. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.
I should be planning Alexander’s 3rd birthday party and instead I’m designing a headstone. It’s just another very sad experience in a long line of sad experiences I’ve had since December 20, 2008.
I remember going with Ryan and Luke to see their mother’s headstone for the first time and it took me and them a long time to recover from the experience. While outliving your parents is common, it isn’t common for a child to grow up without their mother and it was an extremely difficult day. The finality of it being set in stone and seeing the date that she passed away (they were too young to realize the date when she did pass away) made it all rush back and they had a miserable few weeks with lots of questions and sadness.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through, losing Alexander still seems so unbelievable to me at times. I keep waiting for him to run up behind you at meetings and sit there with those big beautiful eyes just taking everything in. He will never be forgotten, he may not have been with us long but he was a remarkable little boy who made a mark on anyone’s heart that met him. I only had the pleasure of being around him a handful of times but I was always astounded by how beautiful he was and what a happy boy he was. My heart breaks for your loss whenever I think about it, which is quite regularly actually. I think about you and hope that you are managing okay.
Remebering little Alexander today and am sending you and Dan big hugs from the big D.
Love ya, The Shinedling