A few days ago I had to go to the hospital for some testing. The doctor I was seeing only performs the test one day a week at the hospital where Alexander passed. I had the option of seeing the other doctor in the practice and going to the other local hospital but really wanted this doctor to do my tests.
The tests went easily but it was hard for me to be in the hospital. It was the first time I had been in the building since Alexander passed. I was quietly sobbing and finally the doctor asked what was wrong. I told him and he said he thought I looked a little sad when I came in the room. He tried to be comforting but there was really nothing he could do. This was just another first in the long list of firsts I’ve had to endure the 19 months.
On Friday, Dan and I had the opportunity to see the final show of the Stuart Country Day School Summer Stars program. Alexander’s scholarship fund helped 9 students attend the camp this year. When we first arrived, we took a quick tour of the children’s art and then we went to find my contact at the school. As soon as she said “thank you”, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I thought I was going to lose it.
Dan described the experience as bittersweet and I think that’s the right word for me, too. The show itself was good and it was nice to see and hear what the kids had been doing during the camp. At the same time, it was sad to be there.
I still have bouts of crying every so often when I think about how much I miss Alexander. I’m not sure that will ever change so I’m learning to cope with it as part of my new normal.