We had our first appointment with the new therapist yesterday. It was only the first session, but I think this person is a better fit for us than the other therapist we saw right after Alexander’s passing. There were a few times during the session, I thought she would cry. I want her to remain objective but it’s good to know she has a real compassionate side. We’ll see how it goes.
Dan went skiing with his brother and nephews for the day so I was left on my own today. I decided to reschedule my spa services that were originally planned for that day. I thought if I could just relax for a couple of hours, I could escape from my pain for a little while. Not 5 minutes into my massage, I started to shed tears as I began to think about Alexander. Thankfully, the room was dimmed and the masseuse didn’t see what was happening. Even though I continued to think about Alexander, I was able to relax enough to appreciate the rest of my massage and my nail treatments. Well, that is until the nail technician asked me if I had any kids. I hesistated for a moment. Do I tell her my situation or not? I told her yes, I do have a child but he passed away in December. She offered her condolences and quickly moved on to other topics.
I ran a few more errands before visiting Alexander and finally heading home. Once I got home, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Sure, I had laundry to fold or I could work on taxes, but I wanted mommy duties. I spent 19 1/2 months taking care of Alexander (or making sure he was taken care if I wasn’t around) and now that I don’t have those same mommy tasks, I sometimes find myself at a loss as to what to do with my time.
I miss Alexander so much and his passing still seems so unreal to me.