Back in therapy

It’s been a busy week.

Our 10 year wedding anniversary was on June 7.  For the prior 9 years, Dan and I had marked our anniversary by going to an “M” city/town.  After we celebrated number 9, I told Dan and I wanted to have a party as we entered the double digits.  This year, I just couldn’t.  Despite our ongoing sadness, I wanted to do something. We invited a few friends over and Dan grilled a stuffed (I made the stuffing) whole red snapper.  We’ll have it again sometime soon.

A few days, I officially became President of our local Junior League. In addition to planning the league’s annual dinner where I’d receive my gavel, I also had to give a speech.  I practiced the speech several and even once in front of Dan.  I didn’t shed a tear.  When I gave the same remarks in front of the members attending annual dinner, I broke down when I mentioned Alexander’s name.  I got through it by stopping for a few seconds before going on with the rest of my remarks.  Maybe someday, I’ll get to the point where I can talk about him in public without crying so much.  The loss of my child is a part of who I am now and I feel the need to share his story I can.

I’ve had a swirl of emotions going on the last couple of weeks and decided to go back into therapy.  I’m not sure I’ll start going weekly again but I still have a lot of things I need to discuss related to Alexander’s loss.  Having an onjective person listen to me is very helpful.

We arrived yesterday for a week’s long vacation with Dan’s family.  When we all originally planned this vacation, Dan and I thought it would be great time for Alexander to spend time with his cousins.  He really only saw them at Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday get togethers so we thought this would be a nice way for him to have some bonding time with them. Without Alexander here with us, this is a bittersweet vacation for me.

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