Remembering Alexander

According to NJ law, the medical examiner had 120 days to provide us with a final autopsy report on Alexander.  Starting in January, I checked in periodically with the M.E.’s office to find out progress. When I called last week, I found out all testing had been done and the report would be available soon.  I called again today and the report was ready.  The M.E. happened to be in the office when I called, and she gave me the news over the phone.  Alexander passing is officially being ruled Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC).  This is what we expected to hear but it was still very troubling to me.  I really wanted them to find something.  Anything that would offer an explanation as to what happened to Alexander.  In addition to the Mercer County Medical Examiner, a pediatric pathologist also reviewed Alexander’s case and both agreed on the finding.

Dan and I have to decide about completing the paperwork to include Alexander in the SUDC study being conducted in San Diego.  Dan definitely wants us to do it.  I was waiting to get the final autopsy results.  Now that we have them, I need to process my feelings.  I’m sure I’ll do it.

When Alexander was born, we signed up for cord blood storage through ViaCord.  It was a small price to pay to have another way to protect him from a future illness.  Little did we know, that protection would be useless against the silent threat that took Alexander away from us.In the mail today, I got a letter reminding us that the annual storage fee was coming due (a week after Alexander’s birthday).  I called to find out our options regarding the cord blood.  Dan and I have yet another tough decision to face.

It’s been a very emotional day for me as I continue to sleepwalk through what has become my life.

On the way out to meet friends for dinner last night, Dan and I were listening to NPR on the radio.  There was a story on about a kids musical group and how they also appealed to adults.  We listened to the story for a few minutes before I had to switch the station.  I was starting to cry because I was missing Alexander so much.

We had a good time at dinner.  In addition to the friends we were meeting, we also ran into a few other friends.  Everything was fine for me until we headed home because I knew I was going home to an empty house without Alexander.

I woke around 8am this morning but I stayed in bed.  I was hoping that sleep would overtake me so I didn’t have to think about how much I was missing Alexander.  The house is just so quiet without him.

We had no plans today so I thought I would use the day to catch up on some things.  I’ve been so sad all day and haven’t managed to do much.  I did make yet another journey to Target to get some photos printed.  After that, I went to visit Alexander.  It was such a warm day that I decided to take myself lunch to eat while I sat quietly thinking of Alexander.  It was a tough visit today and I spent most of the time crying.

When I was looking online for quotes to use on the memorial sign for Alexander, I came across the one below:

Children who die young are some of our greatest teachers. We are allowed to die when we have taught what we came to teach and when we have learned what we came to learn.  ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Alexander was definitely one of my greatest teachers during his short time with us.  He taught me about complete, unconditional love.  About enjoying each moment in life.  I found myself smiling and laughing more because Alexander’s happiness was so infectious.  There is so much more I learned from him.

However, I can’t help but think I still had a lot to learn from him and I certainly had more that I wanted to teach him.

When I went to visit Alexander today, his snowman had melted.  I knew with the warmer weather this would be the case but it was just another reminder of how fleeting life is and we can never be sure how long something is going to last.

I went by to visit Alexander yesterday.  Since there was still plenty of snow, I was able to build him a small snowman.  I didn’t have enough time to add the eyes, arms, etc. before I got kicked out of the cemetery.  The groundskeeper was trying to lock up and needed me to leave.  Lucky for me, he drove around to see if there was anyone left before he locked the gate.

During today’s visit, I added eyes, arms, and nose.                                   

My first thoughts of each day are of Alexander and how much I miss him.  To keep from crying too much, I think of happy memories with him.  Before Alexander passed, he was my first thought of the day.  Except then, my question was what are we going to do today.

Since I couldn’t play in the snow with Alexander today, I wanted to go to the cemetery to build him a snowman.  Unfortunately, the gates won’t be open today.  Maybe there’ll be enough snow left and I can build one for him tomorrow.

When I woke this morning, I lay in bed awhile thinking before I finally got up to see what Dan was doing downstairs.

Of the seven days, Sundays are definitely the worst for me without Alexander.  Unless I was playing with my tennis group, we usually didn’t have plans on Sundays.  It was our lazy family day.  Alexander would run around our room playing with his toys or he’d bring us a book to read him.  We’d eventually get up to go and watch the Sunday news programs.  Alexander usually went to screening room with Dan and I’d watch tv in the kitchen.  We’d be watching the same show but I liked to multitask and also answer emails.  Eventually, Alexander would head upstairs to find his toys in his play area in the kitchen.

The rest of the day would go by pretty slowly.  We’d spend time reading or playing with Alexander.  Just typical family stuff.

Today was a different Sunday.  Dan and I spent a good portion of the afternoon unpacking boxes and sorting the contents.  We kept a lot but also managed to throw out a lot of stuff.  We made good progress before Dan headed to see Gran Torino.  I didn’t want to see it and decided to continue with the unpacking project.  At the rate we’re going, we’ll get the utility room and garage organized sometime soon.

I really just wish things were different and Alexander was still here with us.

We had our first appointment with the new therapist yesterday.  It was only the first session, but I think this person is a better fit for us than the other therapist we saw right after Alexander’s passing.  There were a few times during the session, I thought she would cry.  I want her to remain objective but it’s good to know she has a real compassionate side.  We’ll see how it goes.

Dan went skiing with his brother and nephews for the day so I was left on my own today.  I decided to reschedule my spa services that were originally planned for that day.  I thought if I could just relax for a couple of hours, I could escape from  my pain for a little while.  Not 5 minutes into my massage, I started to shed tears as I began to think about Alexander.  Thankfully, the room was dimmed and the masseuse didn’t see what was happening.    Even though I continued to think about Alexander, I was able to relax enough to appreciate the rest of my massage and my nail treatments. Well, that is until the nail technician asked me if I had any kids.  I hesistated for a moment.  Do I tell her my situation or not?  I told her yes, I do have a child but he passed away in December.  She offered her condolences and quickly moved on to other topics.

I ran a few more errands before visiting Alexander and finally heading home.  Once I got home, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Sure, I had laundry to fold or I could work on taxes, but I wanted mommy duties.  I spent 19 1/2 months taking care of Alexander (or making sure he was taken care if I wasn’t around) and now that I don’t have those same mommy tasks, I sometimes find myself at a loss as to what to do with my time.

I miss Alexander so much and his passing still seems so unreal to me.

As I was visiting Alexander yesterday, I thought about how empty the cemetery always seems.  I don’t expect there to be bustling crowds but I hardly ever see anyone else there even on the weekends.  A few days ago, I did see three other cars visiting at the same time as me and that was a busy day.

After leaving the cemetery, I went to run a few errands.  My first stop was the nail salon to get a manicure.  I hadn’t gotten a manicure in several months so decided to treat myself to a “spa” manicure.  It was nice to have a little pampering but by the time I got to my next stop, I remembered why I don’t often get manicures: I had already smudged a couple of nails.  My nails were dry when I left the salon.  I checked each and every one.  Looking at them today, each nail has something wrong.  I’ve either chipped or smudged the polish.  In the future, I think I’ll just get clear polish.

Target was my next stop after getting my nails done.  Seconds within walking into store, I heard a toddler say to his mom, ‘oh, no mommy’.  I immediately thought about Alexander because “oh, no” was one of his favorite phrases.  This is definitely something he would have said.  I had already shed a few tears before walking into the store and hearing this didn’t help.

I managed to get through the rest of my shopping without incident. 

Once I returned home, the afternoon went by ok before we headed to a neighbor’s early in the evening for dinner.

Today makes it 2 months.  It’s been a hard day.  I tried to do some work but haven’t been able to accomplish much.  I did manage to eat half a box of thin mints (gotta love those Girl Scout Cookies).

I called the Medical Examiner’s Office today to get a status update on Alexander’s autopsy report.  The doctor requested another test yesterday and he should receive the results early next week.  So, it’ll be another few weeks before we get the final report.  I don’t expect there to be anything definitive in the report but it’s still so hard waiting.