I woke early this morning to a ringing in my ears. I couldn’t figure out what it was and tried to go back to sleep. I had only been in bed about 4 hours when I heard Dan’s alarm go off. He was traveling to Toronto again and had to leave on an early morning flight.
I faded in and out of sleep and about 4:50am, I heard the phone ring. I couldn’t imagine who would be calling and was prepared to be outraged at whoever dared to call at that awful hour. As it turns out, it was an Amber Alert from the Mercer County Prosecutor’s Office and Trenton Police Department regarding a missing girl. Our number is unlisted and I don’t remember signing up for the list so I was surprised to get this call. It certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to start my morning. I was finally able to settle down and go back to sleep for a few hours.
The last few days have been intensely emotional. I’m not sure if it’s because I thought about the fact that Alexander would have been 22 months old next week and I would have started to plan his 2nd birthday party. It could have been any number of triggers but I had several crying sessions yesterday. I cried so much that I can’t believe I have any tears left.
I called our insurance company yesterday to get a therapist referral. I had no luck with the three names she gave me. I invested more time in my search and went to the online resource guide on our insurance company website. Who knew there were so many therapists in this area? I placed several calls and got voicemails at every office. I did leave messages but only doctor returned my call. His schedule didn’t work that Dan and I could see him together so I didn’t make an appointment with him.
After speaking with Paula, the nurse at the SUDC program, she suggested I look beyond psychologists and that I also try social workers because they’re likely to return my call sooner. I think she’s right. So, I’ll be on the phone again today. Hopefully, someone will pick up.
I don’t expect the therapist to help me feel better but I could use some coping strategies to deal with these intense emotions.
Remembering Alexander 
Michelle and Dan,
I regularly follow this blog, because I think of you all the time. I have a very good idea of what you’re going through. I don’t want to come across anti-therapist, because some are very good, but it can be an extra burden to find that special one who gets your heartache. Plus, I firmly believe that by facing all of your emotions head-on — even those scary ones, like anger and despair — is the only way to incorporate the loss of your beloved boy into your lives. The absolute worst thing in the world has happened to you, and you NEED to feel badly. It’s okay, even, I think, to act out a bit, depending on how you do it. I met a woman who smashed all of her dishes, in a fit of rage over losing her son. She felt better afterward; also, she made a mosaic out of the pieces when she was done, so all of the dishes didn’t just go to waste.
There’s a book out there that might help with some perspective, called A Broken Heart Still Beats; it’s a collection of essays, letters, and stories from writers (many notable) who have lost children. It was hard reading, knowing that, unfortunately, others had suffered so badly, and yet, it was a source of inspiration, too. These writers found the words to describe the unthinkable, and having that vocabulary helped me get in touch with my own emotions. Also, what a legacy they left…knowing they somehow endured such tragedy — broken, yet stronger — gave me a healthy respect for mystery, courage, and love.
I hope you will find some good resources, in whatever form works for you.
Best,
Chrissy