Today, we mark another “significant” day in our unending grief journey. Daniel is one day older than Alexander was when he died. It’s a day I’ve both dreaded coming and am grateful that it’s here. Daniel has been waking in the middle of the night/morning a lot lately, and when he screamed at 5am this morning, I was hoping he’d go back to sleep. No such luck. Yet, it was the best sound I’ve heard in a long while.
Before we head to the drive in tonight, we’re going to stop by the cemetery. With today’s impending milestone, I’ve been thinking about Alexander more than usual all week and really need to be there.
Even though we’ve only had one more day with Daniel than Alexander, I feel like we’re entering new territory. Just recently, I found myself thinking about 2nd birthday party ideas for Daniel and that scares me a little. It’s still hard to let myself believe what might be. I’m trying to have more hope that everything will be ok but some days it’s hard because I know how easily things can change.
Early this morning, the Angelcare monitor started beeping. This is the first time the alarm has sounded and I momentarily froze. I checked the screen and quickly figured out the problem was related to Daniel’s room being too cold not that he’d stopped moving. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t have handled it if it had been anything else especially today.
I’ve been sad about today’s upcoming anniversary for the last few weeks. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to just live each day and busy myself with taking care of Daniel. I thought I was doing ok until this morning. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby boy isn’t here and I just had to stop and cry for a while.
Dan, Daniel and I had a “relaxed” day. After Daniel’s morning nap, we ran a few errands and then went to the cemetery to leave a small evergreen for Alexander. This is the first time we’ve taken a tree for the holidays. I forgot the decorations so we’ll need to go back over the weekend to add them to the tree.
I’m sad for myself that Alexander isn’t here. I’m also very sad that my two boys will never get a chance to meet and do the things that brothers do. I talk to Daniel about Alexander often and will continue to do as he gets older but it’s just not the same.
I’m grateful to the many friends who texted, emailed and posted on Facebook about Alexander today. Of course, he’s special to me and it was nice to know he touched so many others.
I received a card from our local The Compassionate Friends chapter this week and it had a quote on it that I think I want to frame:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy
I think she’s right. The pain is never gone. It’s just becomes manageable.
Why do perfect strangers think it’s o.k. to ask questions about my pregnancy? When are you due? Is this your first? I think I’ll pull my hair out if one more person asks me if this is my first pregnancy. I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made with ‘No, this isn’t my first pregnancy. My first child is named Alexander and he died in December 2008. Now, back off and stop asking me questions.’ The sign may seem a little harsh but I’m so tired of strangers asking questions. Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me enjoy my pregnancy.
Since losing Alexander, I have definitely become more sensitive. Questions I thought were innocent before can now cause a deep wound. It has also made me realize that you just never know what a person’s situation is or what they’re going through at any given time. So, it might be better to wait and let them take the lead in what they want to share.
Since Alexander passed, the first week of May has been difficult for me. This year was no different. Alexander’s 4th birthday was May 3 followed quickly by Mother’s Day a few days later.
I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone on Alexander’s birthday so spent the day alone in quiet reflection looking at his pictures and videos. When Dan got home from work, we went to the cemetery and released 4 balloons.
On Mother’s Day, Dan and I visited a local sculpture park. We had a nice lunch and walk through the park while talking about Alexander and life. It was a little hard to see the park full of families with their young children but I’m glad we went.
I recently bought myself a charm necklace. The sterling silver charm includes Alexander’s name below a raised heart. I love it and wear it almost every day. I find myself rubbing it constantly throughout the day whenever I think about Alexander.
I wish he was here now to give me a big hug.