Remembering Alexander

May 3, 2007 – December 20, 2008 = 19 months and 17 days.

This past Saturday, August 7, 2010, marked 19 months and 18 days since Alexander left us. He’s now been gone longer than he was with us.  I had been dreading the day for months.  When the actual day happened, it wasn’t as hard as I imagined.  I found it didn’t matter how long Alexander was gone.  The fact is he is gone and I’ll never again have the wonderful gift of a hug or a kiss from him.

As a grieving parent, you try not to think of these “anniversaries” but sometimes you can’t help it.  They just creep into your mind.

I should be running after a 3 year old these days but instead I’m left to grieve the loss of my child.  I miss Alexander so much.

Plans for Alexander’s Run are shaping up.  We’ve got a great group of people helping us organize the run.  It should be a wonderful day to raise money for SUDC research and Alexander’s scholarship fun while remembering Alexander and all the other children who have lost their lives to SUDC.

Before I got pregnant, what became Alexander’s room started out as my office.  There are two closets in his room so I left a lot of my work stuff in there and shared the space with Alexander.  I have a laptop so I was able to have a roving office in our house.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to move my stuff from Alexander’s closet to the guest room.  I just couldn’t bear to continue to go into his empty room everyday when I needed to get something.  Now, when I go into his room, it’s to reflect on all the wonderful memories I have of Alexander.

Instead of my work stuff, Alexander’s closet is now full of photos and albums.  I think of it now as my memory closet.

Moving things from one room to another was a big step for me.  It’s the first real change I’ve made to Alexander’s room.  Everything else remains the same.  The crib is still there as well as all his clothes and toys.  I still haven’t been able to wash the basket of laundry but there is no hurry.  I just have to continue to do things when it’s right for me.

I miss my little guy so much.

A few days ago I had to go to the hospital for some testing.  The doctor I was seeing only performs the test one day a week at the hospital where Alexander passed. I had the option of seeing the other doctor in the practice and going to the other local hospital but really wanted this doctor to do my tests.

The tests went easily but it was hard for me to be in the hospital.  It was the first time I had been in the building since Alexander passed.  I was quietly sobbing and finally the doctor asked what was wrong.  I told him and he said he thought I looked a little sad when I came in the room.  He tried to be comforting but there was really nothing he could do.  This was just another first in the long list of firsts I’ve had to endure the 19 months.

On Friday, Dan and I had the opportunity to see the final show of the Stuart Country Day School Summer Stars program.  Alexander’s scholarship fund helped 9 students attend the camp this year.  When we first arrived, we took a quick tour of the children’s art and then we went to find my contact at the school.  As soon as she said “thank you”, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I thought I was going to lose it.

Dan described the experience as bittersweet and I think that’s the right word for me, too.  The show itself was good and it was nice to see and hear what the kids had been doing during the camp.  At the same time, it was sad to be there.

I still have bouts of crying every so often when I think about how much I miss Alexander.  I’m not sure that will ever change so I’m learning to cope with it as part of my new normal.

Dan was away this weekend and I planned to get a lot of things done around the house.  I didn’t get everything I wanted done but I made some good progress.  I managed to get the plants repotted and mowed our little patch of  grass.

I stopped by the cemetery to visit Alexander’s grave.  I was there a few days prior and realized the headstone needed cleaning so I went armed with cleaning wipes yesterday.  The headstone was just a little dusty before but yesterday it was covered in bird poop.  Not really a sight I wanted to see.  So, now I’ve got a new job: keeping the headstone clean.  My new job is yet another thing I never thought I’d be doing in my life.

I haven’t posted in a while because things have been status quo.

I think about Alexander all the time. The sadness and loneliness I feel at him not being here have become my constant companions.  Most days I manage okay.  I don’t cry every day like I used to and I can think about the happy moments.

Dan and I went to see Alexander’s headstone for the first time on Friday.  It’s actually a family headstone since we also have our names engraved on it, too. Seeing my own name on the stone didn’t bother me.  Seeing Alexander’s birth and death (still a hard word for me to say) dates at such a young age brought on another wave of sadness.  Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.

I should be planning Alexander’s 3rd birthday party and instead I’m designing a headstone.  It’s just another very sad experience in a long line of sad experiences I’ve had since December 20, 2008.

to be removed from the Babies R Us/Toys R Us mailing list?

Last Monday, I had some minor surgery (I’m doing fine) but still needed to spend some time at home resting so my body could recuperate.  By Thursday, I was ready to get out and run a few errands.  The day was going o.k. until the mail arrived.

In the mail was a Happy Birthday coupon for Alexander from the Geoffrey’s Birthday Club.  Once again, Babies R Us ignored my plea to be removed from their mailing list and once again, I had to call to explain to them why I wanted to be removed.  The customer service rep I spoke to acknowledged they had record of my previous request.  After speaking to the first customer service rep, I was transferred to someone in corporate customer service. Demetria said she’d put in my request again.  However, they sometimes receive updated information after a request is made.  I’d love to know what “updated information” takes precedence over a mother’s tearful plea.

Demetria began to tell me about how she lost her son a few years ago but then quickly stopped.  She said her son was older and she had no way of knowing what I was feeling.  I was in tears and appreciate her trying to comfort me, but her efforts at bonding didn’t help.

I’ve been trying for a year to get off their list.  It feels like I have to call them every 2 months (I’ve started keeping a record of the date of my calls) and nothing works.  I don’t what I’ll do if I get something else from them.  Maybe write a letter to the Chairman of the Board and the rest of the Executive Committee?  I’m sure they’ll never see it but on the chance they do, I’m sure they’d love to hear the story of how despite my repeated efforts, this desperate mother can’t get off their list.

The rest of the week went fine.  I tried to stay busy and Dan and I had dinner plans with friends on Friday and Saturday night.

Today will be another day of rest and relaxation before I begin a very busy week.

Life has been busy lately.  I’ve found myself really having to juggle to feel like I’m staying on top of everything.  Through it all, my thoughts of Alexander remain foremost in my mind.  Some days my Alexander thoughts bring me comfort as I remember all the joy and laughter he brought to my life.  Other days, like today, the sadness overtakes me and I can’t stop the flow of tears.

I watched a couple of Alexander videos this morning because I needed to see him happy and hear his voice.  They just made me miss him even more.

This Sunday is Valentine’s Day.  Alexander only got to celebrate one. I get so sad when I think of the many firsts that he will never get to celebrate a second time. I think this combined with the mounds of snow surrounding us really has me down.  The snow makes me think about trip to Killington and taking Alexander on his first sled rides and knowing that he would have such fun with the powdery stuff outside now.

I find myself stuck in that place where I feel if I stop thinking and talking about Alexander so much, people will forget him.  Yet, if I don’t move forward just a little, I feel like my heartache will crush me.  I’m not sure why I need others to remember him because he’ll always be a part of me.

I have a meeting in a couple of hours so need to pull myself together to face the day.

I was doing some work on Alexander’s Run today and decided to stop by the bank to ask questions about setting up an account.  The first question the bank rep asked me was “How’s the baby?”.

It’s been more than a year and I still have to tell people what happened.  I’m sure my grief will never end (change over time but not end) but I wish I didn’t have to continue to tell people that Alexander has passed.  Can’t they see the sadness and grief that surrounds me?  Can’t they see a big part of me is missing?  I got through our conversation without shedding any tears and I’m sure that’s the reason the bank person told me ‘I was doing so well’.  If only she knew…

While others have been eagerly awaiting the holiday week, I’ve been feeling nothing but dread.  It’s definitely been a long and emotional time for me. I needed to remind myself each morning of the day of the week.

Sunday, December 20 was one year since Alexander left us.  Dan and I slept late. Neither of us wanting to wake to the day that a year ago changed our lives so radically.  While nothing can make us forget Alexander or our pain, we distracted ourselves by playing lots of Wii and reading.  We also talked about Alexander during the day.  Surprisingly, the anticipation of the one year anniversary was harder on me than the day itself.  Maybe, it’s because I felt so numb.

Due to the heavy snow, the gates were locked at the cemetery and we were unable to visit Alexander’s grave today.  Dan suggested “breaking in” but I didn’t want to do that. The cemetery is Alexander’s final resting place for his physical body but he’s not there.  I carry Alexander with me at all times so while I was disappointed we weren’t able to get in, I was ok.

Monday, December 21 was one year and one day since Alexander left us.  Still feeling numb.

Tuesday, December 22 was another day in my journey through grief.

Wednesday, December 23 – On this date a year ago, we buried Alexander.  It was and continues to be the second worst day in my life.  Dan and I went to the cemetery and then to a movie.  We finished the evening by going out to dinner.  Again.

Thursday, December 24 – Isn’t Christmas over yet?  For those of us not in the Christmas mood, this one day holiday seems to go on forever.

Two of my most loved holiday movies were on this evening: It’s A Wonderful Life and White Christmas.  I couldn’t bear to watch either.

Friday, December 25 was another day of distractions.  I don’t think I can face the cheerfulness of the outside world.  I read and watched tv all day.  As it turns out, December 25 is an excellent day to go out for dinner.  There are no lines and service is fast.  We went to a Malaysian/Thai restaurant near our home where several others had the same idea.

Saturday, December 26 and I’m starting to emerge a bit from the fog of the week.  I’ve spent the entire day vegging out at home.  I did manage to workout while Dan was at the movies.  It’s out to dinner again for us tonight.

Sunday, December 27 and another week begins…