Early this morning, the Angelcare monitor started beeping. This is the first time the alarm has sounded and I momentarily froze. I checked the screen and quickly figured out the problem was related to Daniel’s room being too cold not that he’d stopped moving. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t have handled it if it had been anything else especially today.
I’ve been sad about today’s upcoming anniversary for the last few weeks. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to just live each day and busy myself with taking care of Daniel. I thought I was doing ok until this morning. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby boy isn’t here and I just had to stop and cry for a while.
Dan, Daniel and I had a “relaxed” day. After Daniel’s morning nap, we ran a few errands and then went to the cemetery to leave a small evergreen for Alexander. This is the first time we’ve taken a tree for the holidays. I forgot the decorations so we’ll need to go back over the weekend to add them to the tree.
I’m sad for myself that Alexander isn’t here. I’m also very sad that my two boys will never get a chance to meet and do the things that brothers do. I talk to Daniel about Alexander often and will continue to do as he gets older but it’s just not the same.
I’m grateful to the many friends who texted, emailed and posted on Facebook about Alexander today. Of course, he’s special to me and it was nice to know he touched so many others.
I received a card from our local The Compassionate Friends chapter this week and it had a quote on it that I think I want to frame:
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy
I think she’s right. The pain is never gone. It’s just becomes manageable.
We should be celebrating Alexander’s 5th birthday today.
Instead of eating cake and ice cream, I’m spending part of the day working on planning for the 3rd Annual Alexander’s Run.
Though he doesn’t understand me, I’ll talk to Daniel about his older brother and how much I wish they had been able to grow up together.
Instead of Alexander blowing out 5 candles on his cake, we’ll go to the cemetery later and release 5 balloons.
When I looked into Alexander’s eyes 5 years ago at the hospital, this isn’t how I thought I’d spend his birthdays. I’m glad I have happy memories to keep me going on these tough days.
The recent SUDC quilt was unveiled at the 10th anniversary event on April 14. I’e never done a quilt square until now. My square isn’t very creative but it is from the heart. I’m glad I was able to include Alexander along with the other children.
Dan, Daniel and I went to dinner at the club on Wednesday evening. As we were leaving, we stopped to say hi to friends who were seated at the bar. Along with our friends, there was another couple siting nearby who commented on Daniel. Their first grandchild is the same age.
After our friends left to be seated for dinner, we continued to talk to the couple sitting at the bar. Of course, the inevitable question comes up about is this our first. I quickly no. The wife pressed and I finally told her about Alexander. To my surprise, she responded that she understand my pain because they had lost a daughter to SIDS many years before. She also surprised me by thanking me for telling her about Alexander. The wife and I chatted a while more about our children. It was nice to have this conversation. I guess you really just never know what another person has experienced in life.
At the SUDC fundraiser, I did tell a couple of parents that I try to tell our story whenever I can. It’s one way to keep talking our sweet Alexander but also part of raising awareness about SUDC. Even though, presently, there is no way to prevent SUDC, I feel I do need to tell people about it.
Dan and I attended the SUDC program’s 10th anniversary event in NY this past Saturday. On the one hand, it was wonderful to meet some of the parents I’ve only known through the online support groups. On the other hand, the reason that brought us all together made me sad. I don’t know what we would have done if the SUDC program hadn’t existed when we needed it.
Despite being surrounded by family and friends, I felt so alone during those first days after Alexander passed. Time has helped decrease the intensity of my pain but I still miss Alexander so much.
The SUDC Program – Who We Are
I’d forgotten how exhausting a newborn could be. Alexander’s younger brother, Daniel was born November 17 and has been keeping me very busy. I barely have time to sleep much less do things like update my blog.
I’ve been so tired, I don’t think I’ve really had a chance to process my feelings about Alexander’s anniversary. It’s hard to believe Alexander has been gone 3 years. On his anniversary date, we spent a quiet day at home and went to cemetery in the afternoon.
Recently, a friend asked me if it gets any easier. I told her I don’t think it gets easier. Alexander’s loss has become part of me and is something I must deal with on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. Now that Daniel has arrived, I’m trying to find a balance between being happy for the child that I have here with me and being sad and missing the child that is gone.
I talk to Daniel about Alexander and we look at pictures of him. I think Alexander and Daniel would have been great friends and I wish my boys could have grown up together.
Why do perfect strangers think it’s o.k. to ask questions about my pregnancy? When are you due? Is this your first? I think I’ll pull my hair out if one more person asks me if this is my first pregnancy. I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made with ‘No, this isn’t my first pregnancy. My first child is named Alexander and he died in December 2008. Now, back off and stop asking me questions.’ The sign may seem a little harsh but I’m so tired of strangers asking questions. Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me enjoy my pregnancy.
Since losing Alexander, I have definitely become more sensitive. Questions I thought were innocent before can now cause a deep wound. It has also made me realize that you just never know what a person’s situation is or what they’re going through at any given time. So, it might be better to wait and let them take the lead in what they want to share.
Drawing of Alexander done by a friend
As I continue my preparations for the arrival of Baby Dodson2, I find myself missing Alexander even more.
At times, when I’m talking to the baby, I call him Alexander instead of the name we’ve chosen for him. I’m looking forward to his arrival and I know he isn’t Alexander, but I can’t help the name slip ups. I really wish they could be growing up together.
Today, was the 2nd Annual Alexander’s Run. Though the weather forecast predicated rain and a mix of snow, we decided to have the fun anyway. We had no idea how many, if any, runners would show up on race morning. Some people didn’t make it but Dan and I were truly surprised, overwhelmed, and grateful for all the support we received at this morning’s event.
The tents we’d arranged for didn’t arrive on time but no one complained as we had to scramble for tents. The runners were patient as we opened registration late. The kids who did come in costumes were cheerful as they stood under the tents and grooved to the music of Alex Mitnick. It was an amazing day and I’m so glad we continue to celebrate Alexander and the other SUDC children with this run.
Over the weekend, I began the difficult task of starting to pack up some of Alexander’s things. I didn’t want to do it but we need the room for his little brother who will be arriving at Thanksgiving.
A couple of weeks ago, I brought up several containers of Alexander’s stuff from the basement to go through it to see what I could use for this baby. Most of it was feeding and cleaning supplies (bottles, burping cloths, wash cloths, etc.). Since the boys will be born in different seasons (Alexander in May and this baby in November), they probably won’t be able to share many clothes. I did pull out what I could from Alexander’s things and a friend gave me a few things. I should be good for the first few months.
For the first 30 minutes, all I could do was cry. It felt like I was packing away Alexander with each item that I put in the box. I packed until we needed to leave to meet friends for dinner. I was very happy to have the break. I did make a dent in what needed to be done and still have plenty of laundry to do.
Other than going to my prenatal visits and generally taking care of my health, I feel like I haven’t done enough to prepare for this baby. It’s just been hard to motivate myself to get to the store to buy anything.
After two days of packing, I’m feeling pretty emotionally drained. I’m excited to meet our little guy and welcome him into our lives. I miss Alexander so much and am sad that he isn’t here to be part of his brother’s arrival.