Powerless

I’m in a contract tennis group that plays on Sunday evenings.  It was the best night for me to play because I could count on Dan to be home to watch Alexander.  Tonight was the first time I played with the group since early December.  They all know what I’m going through so it was nice to not have to explain anything.

I couldn’t focus on playing.  I don’t know why but I kept seeing Alexander lying motionless on the table at the hospital.  I tried to always be there for Alexander and when he needed me the most, I was powerless to help him.

We long ago stopped our nightly use of a video monitor with Alexander.  Our house is so open that we could hear Alexander from any of the rooms.  We only used it if Dan and I were sitting in the backyard after putting him to bed.  Since Alexander’s passing, I’ve found out about Angel Care monitors.  Unlike the video monitors, these movement monitors alert parents when their child stops moving for 20 seconds.  If only I’d known about them before our tragedy.  There is no guarantee Alexander would still be here with us if we’d had one of these monitors but at least, we would have been able to get help for him sooner.

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