Category Archives: Uncategorized

It was another weepy day for me.  I miss Alexander so much.

JC Penney was kind enough to print some additional Christmas photos for us after we called and asked them about getting a cd of Alexander’s photo session.  Dan had plans to meet a friend so I went alone to get them.  The staff person knew who I was and quickly helped me.  I waited until I got in the car before I viewed the photos.  I broke down while looking at the photos.  I kept remembering how happy that photo day had been:  After a playdate with a new friend that morning, we headed to the photo session.  Alexander was initially uncooperative.  He didn’t want to sit by himself and kept running over to me.  He usually likes to have his photo taken so I’m not sure what was wrong that day.  He perked up when one of the female staffers came in to assist.  She was great and as a result, we got some fun photos of Alexander.  I left there thinking, I’m looking forward to next year’s photo session and was already thinking about what he’d wear. 

It seems the only time I can find peace lately is when I sleep.  We stay up late almost every night and if we manage to get out of the bed before noon it’s a good day. 

I’m only able to sleep a few hours at a time so I haven’t had any dreams in more than a week.  I usually wake about 7:30am or 8:00am hoping to hear Alexander call for me.  Knowing the call I long for isn’t going to come, I turn over and sleep a little longer. 

After we both wake for good, Dan and I can easily spend 1-2 hours in bed talking about Alexander and how we’re feeling.

I awoke to a brief moment of happiness morning.  Then, I remembered it was another day without Alexander.  Could it be that the past 20 months was the dream and the life I’m living now has been the reality all along?  When I look around the house and see all the photos of Alexander and remember all the happy times, I know he was very much a real part of my life and continues to be even if he’s not here in physical form.

For some time, Dan and I have discussed that we’d like to have a small family foundation.  We thought it’d be a few years from now but have decided to move up the  timeline and create a memorial foundation to celebrate Alexander’s life.  We’re still working out the details but we hope to have it up and running within a couple of weeks.

Another sad day for me.  Today is Alexander’s 20 month birthday.  We didn’t do anything special on these “month birthdays” as I like to call them but I did try to take his picture and update his website (www.alexanderdodson.com) with the information.  Instead of celebrating another month milestone, I have to live with the reality that my sweet Alexander left us two weeks ago.

Our friend Sarah had her baby two days ago on January 1.  After our counseling session, Dan and I decided we’d go visit her at the hospital.  Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to make the visit but we were fine yesterday.  I think it helped that we were the only visitors she and her husband had at the time because it gave us freedom to be able to talk about Alexander.  In the end, I surprised myself and was able to hold their baby boy.

After our quick visit with them, we went to a movie.  We saw Slum Dog Millionaire.  Ordinarily, I would have really liked this movie but so many scenes reminded me of Alexander and things we wouldn’t be able to see him grow up to do.

Dan and I agree we both feel an emptiness without Alexander.  We’re thankful to have each other to go through this grieving process.  Although nothing could make this pain go away other than our beautiful, loving baby still being here with us, we’re appreciative of the many cards, calls, visits and emails we have received to express sorrow for our loss.

When I woke this morning, I thought I heard Alexander playing softly in his crib and I thought this has all been just a bad dream and I’m awake.  I quickly realized I was wrong.

Dan is out on the daily walk he started after Alexander’s funeral.  I go with him sometimes.  Other times, it’s just too much effort for me to get out of bed much less think about getting dressed for a walk.

All around us everyone else is saying Happy New Year and all I can think is not for me.

I was thinking about happiness this morning and what that means.  I told Dan that even if years from now, I can say I’m “happy”, I will never be as happy as I was before the bottom fell from our world on December 20, 2008.  I will always be just a little sad that Alexander isn’t with me in person.

Signs

The other day I was feeling especially down and didn’t want to get out of bed.  I looked over on the floor and saw a little plastic heart next to our bed where Alexander used to stand beside me in the mornings.  I later found a couple of these same plastic hearts on the stairs.  I took it as a sign from Alexander that he was sending me his love.

The last 11 days have been the worst of my life.  It’s New Year’s Eve and as everyone is celebrating the end of the year and making resolutions, I’m trying to figure out how to begin the year without my baby here.  A few weeks ago when I was thinking about how we’d spend tonight, this is not what I had in mind.  I thought we’d have a nice family night at home with the three of us.

I just miss Alexander so much.

Every day without Alexander is torture for me.  I miss him more and more each day as I remember more memories of the fun and happy times we had together.

Dan has been very patient with me and willing to listen whenever I need/want to talk about how Alexander and how I’m feeling.  It’s going to be hard when he goes back to work and I’m alone all day.

I awoke early this morning from the most horrible nightmare.  I dreamed that we had another child and I caused his death because of my overprotectiveness.  In my dream I was so afraid of what happened to Alexander happening to another child that I tried to keep him safe from everything and only ended up causing harm.  Everyone was accusing me of being an awful mother and said that I didn’t deserve to have a child.  I couldn’t get the images out of my head all morning.

I know I was a good mother to Alexander but I can’t help feeling what if I had done just one thing differently.

I’m still waiting to wake up from this horrible dream that has become my life.

Our life has been in a fog the past week.  The plans we made have all been changed.  Dan generally takes off the week between Christmas and New Year’s to participate in the Patriots Week events here in Trenton.  He was planning to take Alexander to some of the puppet shows this week and we were really looking forward to taking him to the battles.  We just know he would have tried to give one of the Hessians a hug.

As we each deal with our grief, we’re trying to comfort each other as best we can.  We talk about Alexander often.  Some days we can make it through a conversation without breaking down.  More often than not, one of us (usually me), will sob uncontrollably.

Both of us love and miss him so much.  I’ve always had a need to express my feelings through writing so I hope by writing a litte every day, my pain will ease just a little.  I don’t know how to get past the grief and sense of immense loss I feel.

Our family and friends have shown us a tremendous amount of support over the past 9 days. 

What do I do now?  How do I go on without my sweet little boy?

The second worst day in my life was Tuesday, December 23, 2008.  This was the day we buried Alexander.    The service went as well as these types of services can go.  Using pictures and songs we chose, our friends Susan and Chris, put together two wonderful videos for us. 

Here is a link to the shorter of the two slideshows:  http://www.totsites.com/tot/dodsonemerson/movies/29247

Here is a link to the longer of the two slideshows:
http://www.totsites.com/tot/dodsonemerson/movies/29452

Have tissue ready when you view the shorter slideshow.

I went through the day in a daze.  There were so many people at the service.  We were overwhelmed by all the support we received.  Alexander touched a lot of people.

After the cemetery, many of the people came back to our house.  Again, we had the support of family and friends who took care of things.  They made sure everyone was taken care of who came to the house to pay their respects.  At some point during the afternoon, it all became too much for me, and I had to sneak away.  I went downstairs and watched an episode of Wow Wow Wubbzy (Alexander’s favorite show).  I did eventually join everyone upstairs but not before I had a good cry.