Sleep is my friend

It was another weepy day for me.  I miss Alexander so much.

JC Penney was kind enough to print some additional Christmas photos for us after we called and asked them about getting a cd of Alexander’s photo session.  Dan had plans to meet a friend so I went alone to get them.  The staff person knew who I was and quickly helped me.  I waited until I got in the car before I viewed the photos.  I broke down while looking at the photos.  I kept remembering how happy that photo day had been:  After a playdate with a new friend that morning, we headed to the photo session.  Alexander was initially uncooperative.  He didn’t want to sit by himself and kept running over to me.  He usually likes to have his photo taken so I’m not sure what was wrong that day.  He perked up when one of the female staffers came in to assist.  She was great and as a result, we got some fun photos of Alexander.  I left there thinking, I’m looking forward to next year’s photo session and was already thinking about what he’d wear. 

It seems the only time I can find peace lately is when I sleep.  We stay up late almost every night and if we manage to get out of the bed before noon it’s a good day. 

I’m only able to sleep a few hours at a time so I haven’t had any dreams in more than a week.  I usually wake about 7:30am or 8:00am hoping to hear Alexander call for me.  Knowing the call I long for isn’t going to come, I turn over and sleep a little longer. 

After we both wake for good, Dan and I can easily spend 1-2 hours in bed talking about Alexander and how we’re feeling.

2 responses to “Sleep is my friend

  1. Dear Michelle,
    I have a note to send to you and Dan, but I could not help submitting this message before my other note reaches you. I am thinking of you all the time. You might be surprised to learn that, since we haven’t been in touch since I moved to Maine,but I always would have remembered you, and I hear about you often from Jan Davis. I rejoiced when learning of Alexander’s birth, and I am now in deep sorrow on behalf of you and Dan, and I send you both my heartfelt condolences for Alexander’s loss. What your friend, Chrissy, wrote in response to your previous post so eloquently expressed the emotions I would have tried to describe — regarding the world seeming to go about its business as usual, and even engaging in celebrations — while your world is so tragically altered. I have had my own experience with grief (albeit a loss of a different kind), and I understand, as much as I possibly can, what you are enduring. I do encourage you to keep writing, if you feel like it. And remember how many people are devoted to you and Dan and how many people remember Alexander with such joy and love. Again, for what it’s worth, please know that there is yet another person, whom you wouldn’t even have suspected, keeping you, Dan, and Alexander in mind. –Amy

  2. I have been reading your blog every day since I heard the horrible news. As the mom of a son who is the light of my life, I am overcome with sadness for you. From the pictures and video the bond between the 2 of you is so strong and beautiful. Also Dan and I had lunch in Nov and all he could do was smile and glow when talking about you and Alexander. I left the lunch feeling so joyful over the wonderful life you had created. Thank you for writing so that other Moms might share a bit of your life. Know that while we can’t possibly understand the depths of your sadness, we are sharing your pain and holding you close in our hearts. You and Dan are in my prayers everyday – I pray God’s strength and comfort for you and that you might hold each other even closer during this horrible time.

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