Remembering Alexander

I kept a promise to Alexander this week.  For a while, I had been telling him that I was going to get a storage shelf for the toys in his room.  I hadn’t seen anything I liked but I was on a mission the other day.  I did find something.  It’s a simple shelf that matches the other furniture in his room.  Dan is traveling all week so I busied myself last night with assembling the shelf and organizing Alexander’s toys.  The storage shelf is a good option  because we’re still not ready to put away Alexander’s toys in the house.

Now, I just need to wash the laundry that’s been sitting in Alexander’s room since December.

I’m still going through a range of emotions.  Sadness. Anger.  Hurt. Sometimes, I’m very angry at God for taking my little boy away from me.  Other times, I just miss Alexander so much it hurts.  There are times I just want to be alone with my memories of Alexander.  There are times I want to be social and times I don’t.

I’ve had many life changing moments in my 38 years.  June 7, 1999 (day I got married). August 28, 2006 (day the doctor confirmed my pregnancy). May 3, 2007 (day Alexander was born).  However, none of those has changed my life so much as December 20, 2008.  A big part of me left with Alexander.

I took my car in for service yesterday.  The last time I was at this dealership for service to the Pilot, Alexander was with me.  When he wasn’t playing with the cars in the corner (the dealership has a small play area with a rug and a car track), he was walking around the waiting room.  At one point, he decided it was good idea to have a little “fit” and lay down on the floor. Thankfully, we were only in for an oil change and didn’t have to wait that long.  Alexander was only at the dealership with me once so it wasn’t difficult for me to be there.

I feel like I’m hearing more sirens these days or maybe I’m just paying more attention.  I’ve always been good and pulled over whenever I hear/see emergency vehicles.  Lately, they have a different effect on me.  When I hear them, I wonder who they’re trying to save today.  When I hear them, I think about what things must have been like the morning of December 20, 2008.  Since I wasn’t here, I can only imagine what was happening to Alexander based on what Dan tells me.  Led by a police escort, I can see the ambulance racing down the street to get my baby to the hospital.  Did they think he had a chance?

I had  a couple of upsetting conversations yesterday.  Despite my being very clear about how I feel, some people still insist on telling me that Alexander is in a better place and one day I’ll understand God’s plan for him.  One person even said to me that he’s probably in heaven playing a harp.  I’m so tired of being trying to impose their beliefs on me.  Not that I would wish my current pain on anyone, I want to know how comforted those same people would feel by those words if they were in my situation?

I’ve really been missing Alexander so I spent a little time today (or I guess technically, yesterday) watching his videos just so I could hear his sweet, little voice.  Why did this have to happen to one so young and innocent?

V-Day is supposed to be all about love and romance.  We stopped going out for V-Day years ago.  We prefer just staying in and enjoying a nice homemade dinner.  Last year, Dan, Alexander and I had a picnic in the basement to celebrate.  Alexander crawled around while we sipped champagne and ate the treats Dan prepared.

This year, we’ll still a nice evening by cooking nice dinner and sipping champagne but I’ll be missing Alexander.  I miss him now and really wish he was here with us.

It continues to be hard for me to believe he’s no longer here with me/us.  I really miss his sweet, loving personality.

Life is just too short.

Alexander and I went to Shoprite 2 or 3 times a week to do our grocery shopping.  In the early days of grocery shopping, he’d sleep in the car seat as I went through the aisles.  As he got older,  the store became a fun, teaching environment.

Sometimes, we’d stop at the in-store Dunkin Donuts and get a smoothie before heading to the produce aisle.  As we strolled through the produce, I would point out apples, bananas, oranges, and other foods.  He never mastered saying bananas but enjoyed saying apple and pointing them out out to me. 

Alexander loved to eat and I usually had to give him a snack on our grocery journeys.  As I put stuff in the cart, he would reach for the Nutri Grain bars, a juice box, or perhaps a cheese stick.

At the last minute yesterday, I decided to make a trip to Shoprite and get food for dinner.  I was fine until I entered our store.  I started bawling as soon as I passed the flowers.  I quickly got the few items I planned to buy and left the store.  I can only imagine what the other customers must have thought of me as I was walking through the store with tears streaming down my face.

I tried but I just couldn’t stop crying.  Alexander and I had some good times together on our visits to Shoprite and the trip just made me miss him that much more.

I’m not sure where I learned about SIDS but it must have been one of the baby sites I visited when I was pregnant with Alexander.  Like so many other parents, I thought SIDS was something I didn’t have to worry about once Alexander turned 12 months. 

After Alexander passed, I spoke with his pediatrician who told me that while Alexander was at the upper end, SIDS could happen as late as 20 or 21 months.  True, SIDS and SUDC are both unpredictable and unpreventable but pediatricians should tell parents about the potential risk to their children.  I’ve talked to many parents recently and every one has said they learned of SIDS on their own and not from their child’s doctor.  Pediatricians vaccinate our kids against disease and warn us about so many other things, why not this?

The odds of SIDS or SUDC happening are certainly low, but I would rather be frightened by a little knowledge and try to do something, anything to prevent.  The devastation of losing my child is much worse.

I’m in a contract tennis group that plays on Sunday evenings.  It was the best night for me to play because I could count on Dan to be home to watch Alexander.  Tonight was the first time I played with the group since early December.  They all know what I’m going through so it was nice to not have to explain anything.

I couldn’t focus on playing.  I don’t know why but I kept seeing Alexander lying motionless on the table at the hospital.  I tried to always be there for Alexander and when he needed me the most, I was powerless to help him.

We long ago stopped our nightly use of a video monitor with Alexander.  Our house is so open that we could hear Alexander from any of the rooms.  We only used it if Dan and I were sitting in the backyard after putting him to bed.  Since Alexander’s passing, I’ve found out about Angel Care monitors.  Unlike the video monitors, these movement monitors alert parents when their child stops moving for 20 seconds.  If only I’d known about them before our tragedy.  There is no guarantee Alexander would still be here with us if we’d had one of these monitors but at least, we would have been able to get help for him sooner.

I was supposed to be at a conference this week.  Instead of Dan and Alexander coming to pick me up from the airport this morning, Dan and I went to Michael’s to find a Valentine’s wreath for Alexander’s grave.  Our favorite floral designer, Brenda ,was working and she was able to help us put together a small bouquet as well.  I would have much preferred spending today enjoying the beautiful weather hanging out in the park with Dan and Alexander.

With wreath and bouquet in hand, Dan and I stopped for lunch before heading back to Trenton.  The food was fine but it was hard looking around the room and seeing kids at various ages and thinking about the future we’re going to miss having with Alexander.   No Sunday afternoon lunch with his parents telling us about what’s going on at school. No teenage dates.  No hanging out with his college friends.

One of the projects we planned to do this year was to convert the open space on our second floor to a family room.  The space started life as what Dan affectionately called the “art library”.  Once Alexander started getting older, we quickly realized a family room would make a better use of the space so we’d have a comfortable place to hang out with him.  Even though he won’t be here in person to enjoy the family room with us, we’ve decided to move forward with the project.  We bought a couch yesterday for the room.  I was sitting on it this morning and I could easily see Alexander curled up next to me reading a book.

It’s just so hard not to have him here.