Remembering Alexander

Alexander and mommy having fun at a ROCKETS classroom event.

I made a big step for me today.  I’m a member of the Junior League of Greater Princeton and our major impact project is ROCKETS.  There are several components to the program but one aspect is our monthly classroom visit to a local headstart site.  The children in the program are aged 2 1/2 – 5 years.  I usually go to the monthly classroom visit but today, was the first time I was able to return to the program since Alexander passed.

Alexander checking things out before a ROCKETS classroom event.

I really didn’t know how I would handle being there.  I’ve been going to this center 4 years.  At times it was hard.  The activity started out with reading From Head to Toe by Eric Carle followed by singing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.  This was one of Alexander’s favorite songs and we sang it a few times a week.  It was definitely a big part of helping him learn his body parts.  Thankfully, another volunteer was in the class and she led the song while I prepared other parts of the day’s activities.

I did catch myself a few times looking at the kids and feeling sad because I know Alexander will never get this experience.  He did go to daycare one day a week but it’s not the same as going to school everyday.

Aside from being around the kids, the only part of the morning I was dreading was having to tell the gentleman who delivers the food to the site that Alexander has passed.  He’s a nice guy and every time he sees me there, he always asks boy or girl.  He knows at one point he saw me pregnant but can’t quite remember that I’ve had the baby.  We were going through the activity so quickly this morning, I thought I’d miss him and not have to share my terrible news.  As we were wrapping up the activity, I saw him come into the building.  He saw me and asked his usual “boy or girl” question.  I walked over to him and quietly told him that Alexander had passed.  He expressed his sympathy and we each went back to what we had been doing.

Our organization also provides the ROCKETS activities to another facility in the area to children in the same 2 1/2 – 5 year age range.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to return to that facility for a while because Alexander always went with me.  I have happy memories of him participating in the activities with the other kids but it would just be too sad for me to be there without him.

Alexander and mommy doing an experiment during a ROCKETS classroom event.

Below is a link to a video I found about SUDC.  The video features two Australian families who lost their sons to SUDC.  Dr. Henry Krous also appears in the video.  He is the pathologist conducting the SUDC study at the Rady’s Children’s Hospital in San Diego.

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-au&brand=ninemsn&vid=8e5dc5d3-0ec1-416c-859d-e1d5afeef2be

Dan and I have made the first steps toward participating in the SUDC study.  We’ve completed the consent forms and I put them in the mail today.  The next step is to complete our family history surveys.  Completing those surveys is going to take some time because they ask for a lot of information.  Hopefully, with our participation and that of the other families in the study, we’ll find some answers to SUDC someday.

I’m really sad for us but I hope no other parent has to endure the pain we’re experiencing by Alexander’s loss.

As if the loss of Alexander hasn’t been hard enough on me, I had to cut myself off from a relative this week.  This break has been coming for a long while and the person just pushed me over the edge on Thursday evening.  Sometimes, I can’t believe the things people do.

Dan and I had dinner last night at the home of friends.  We hadn’t seen their kids in a while and I was a little nervous seeing them because their youngest is Alexander’s age.  She just turned 2.  

When we finally arrived and I saw her, my first was that she’s certainly getting tall and the  second thought was she looks like Alexander.  Alexander and this little girl have been mistaken for brother and sister before.  I didn’t see the resemblance but now that she’s experience a growth spurt and is taller, slimmer and her hair  free flowing the way I let Alexander’s grow (her hair was neater), I can really see it. 

This little girl has always been a shy around me but last night, she seemed to warm up to me.  She kept bringing me toys to play with her and I read her a couple of books before she went to bed.  Perhaps, she sensed how much I was missing Alexander and was trying to cheer me up. 

All in all, it was a good night spent with good friends.

For various reasons, we’ve found it easier to use an accountant to do the taxes for us.  For the past few years, our tax process generally starts with me gathering all the information in the tax organizer the accountan’s office send us.  After I complete the forms, Dan and I review one last time before I take everything to the accountant.

Like many couples, Dan and I have had our fair share of disagreements when doing the taxes.  It usually results from me not categorizing something in Quicken the way he wanted.  Over the years, we’ve settled on how to categorize items and our tax return disagreements are minimal.  This year, things are different.

The tax organizer forms ask several questions about dependents.  One asks how long your dependent lived with you during the tax year and another asks you to provide the tax id number for any day care providers.  Both were questions I happily answered for our 2007 taxes, not so for 2008.

The hardest question of all to answer asks you to list any reasons you expect your deductions to change in the coming tax year.  Who really wants to list, “Yes, our deductions will change because our child passed away?”

I’ve had a couple of weeks to sit with the taxes but today was the first time Dan saw them.  I forgot to tell Dan the first few pages might be difficult to review.  

Aside from the taxes, the weekend was a bit weepy for both of us.  Two of Alexander’s friends turned 2 this weekend.  One of the friends he’d only just met and we’d only had the chance to have one playdate with her before he passed. 

The other family we met while we were both expecting and Alexander attended her 1 year birthday party last year.  At the time of the party, he was only 10 1/2 months old and not walking yet.  Alexander desperately wanted to walk,  and as he kept trying to hitch a ride on the birthday girl (who was walking), he kept pulling her down to the floor.   After a while, he gave up and settled on crawling around the basement.

Alexander enjoying birthday cake at a friend's 1st birthday party

I’m just so sad Alexander won’t get the chance to celebrate his 2nd birthday.  He always loved a party.

It’s March 20, the first official day of spring and 3 months since Alexander’s passing.  I’m looking around the family room at Alexander’s photos and his face is so full of promise.  

I wasn’t sure if I could visit Alexander’s grave today.  I thought it would be too hard for me.  In the end, Dan and I visited together.  The groundskeepers had put out more grass seed on Alexander’s grave and new patches of grass were sprouting.  I had already shed plenty of tears at home as I was sitting in the family room looking at Alexander’s photos and didn’t shed any at his graveside.

It’s still so hard to comprehend what’s happened.  I just wish I could hold my baby and hear him say mommy.

Life really sucks.  Because it was a sunny afternoon yesterday, I spent some time sitting in our backyard.  This time last year, we were scrambling to get the backyard done in time for Alexander’s 1st birthday party.  Yesterday, all I could was cry as I looked around the backyard and relived so many of the fun times we had out there.

I could see Alexander pushing his wagon during his birthday party because he wasn’t walking yet.  He could take a few steps but still needed help.  I could see him pulling up the stakes from my tomato plants and me getting frustrated every time.  I could see him playing with his water table or splashing around his baby pool.  Or, running through sprinkler when we’d water the grass.  I could see him throwing and chasing tennis balls.  I could see him dipping chips in salsa when we’d eat outside.   I could see playing host to the other kids when we hosted one night of the neighborhood ice cream socials last summer.  I could see my curious little boy being so happy exploring the backyard.  We spent a lot of time back there and I have so many wonderful memories.  Too many to list.

I often say to people that getting the backyard done was Alexander’s 1st birthday present from us.  While it’s still a little sad for me to be in the backyard without Alexander, especially as the weather gets warmer, I do feel close to him when I’m sitting out there.

It’s been a quiet weekend.  Last night, we had dinner at the home of friends but haven’t done much today.  Dan’s been sick all day and we’ve mostly just been watching t.v.

The therapist came to visit us at home yesterday.  She thought it would give her better insight into us and Alexander if she could see where we all lived together.  It was odd giving her a tour of our house and Alexander’s stuff.  Where he played.  Where he slept. Where he ate.  Everything.  I’m not sure it helped me but I do think it helped her.

I really miss Alexander.