Tag Archives: sudden unexplained death

I’ve decided to take a break from therapy.   

I’ve been chatting a lot online with other SUDC moms.  I may go back to the therapist at some point in the future, but for me, for right now, chatting with the other SUDC moms is what I need.

I had a tennis lesson this afternoon.  I haven’t played in awhile so I was a bit rusty and am actually a little sore now.  I did stretch before the lesson and the lesson itself wasn’t that strenous.  I guess I’m just a bit out of shape.  I was a little sad while I was playing because I kept thinking about how much I enjoyed “playing tennis” with Alexander in our backyard.  He really liked tossing the tennis balls and holding his racquet trying to hit balls.

This journey is so hard.

I was looking at photos of Alexander this evening and I couldn’t stop crying.  I miss him so much.  After I put the photos away, I tried to distract myself with playing mindless games on my cell phone.  Didn’t work.  

I’ve said this many times before but I just can’t believe my sweet little Alexander is no longer here with me.  I just can’t believe I have to live without seeing my little boy’s smiling face and feeling his loving hugs.

Yesterday was  a long day. I had a lot of errands but it wasn’t enough to distract me from my pain.   It was one of those days that I really missed Alexander and shed many tears.  I kept thinking about the last couple of weeks and how happy we both were hanging out together.  I always loved the time I spent with him but those last couple of weeks were really special.  

I had a meeting last night that was about an hour or so away.  I got really lost before I finally made it to the meeting.  Getting lost only added to my frustration and depression of the day.  I just felt like nothing went right yesterday.

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.

Just got back from the Cezanne exhibit.  We enjoy visits to the museum and I especially like to go for special exhibits.  However, today was too crowded even for me.  There were several times I felt boxed in and unable to easily move. Coupled with the fact that I saw a little boy that reminded me so much of Alexander, the museum visit wasn’t quite the distraction I hoped it would be.

Our weekends have started to include grave tending.  This is certainly not something I expected at this point in my life and certainly not something I expected to have to do for Alexander.  The groundskeepers do a good job of keeping the grass cut at the cemetery but the cemetery is so big that they do the cutting in sections.  With all the rain we’ve had lately, the grass and weeds are really sprouting up.

When I was visting Alexander recently, I overheard another couple visting a family member say ‘It’s been so long I can’t remember which one it is.’  Rain or shine, I visit Alexander’s grave a few minutes nearly every day.  I can’t imagine a time would come that I would say I can’t remember which plot is his.

We’ve had a busy weekend.  Out for dinner with friends on Friday and Saturday nights and we’re supposed to go see the Cezanne exhibit in Philadelphia this afternoon.  I miss Alexander terribly but it was nice to have a lot to do.

The week since Alexander’s birthday has been a difficult one for me. Mother’s Day was exactly one week after his birthday.  Having to deal with those two firsts without Alexander took an emotional toll on me. I feel so exhausted and drained all the time. Like it takes every bit of energy I have just to make it through the day.

I cry spontaneously at the smallest reminders of Alexander.  It could be something on tv or looking at a photo that brings back waves of emotion that overtake me.

I had a call with other SUDC moms last night.  We’re all in different places in our grief journey but I think the conversation was helpful to us all.  

I had to tell someone else about Alexander this week.  I try to prepare myself in advance for these conversations because there are certain people I know won’t know about our loss.  Just as prepared as I think I am to be able to say Alexander passed in December without breaking down, I always end up in tears.  I think because it’s still so hard for me to believe, it’s still hard for me to say.

I miss you Alexander.

Today is Alexander’s 2nd birthday. 

It’s such a sad time for me because I’ve really been missing Alexander all day.

We marked this special day with a park dedication in Alexander’s honor.  Our neighborhood has a tot lot where the younger kids play. Alexander learned to slide in this play area and enjoyed the time we spent there.  When some of our neighbors presented us with the idea of renaming the tot lot for Alexander, we thought it was a great way to keep his memory alive. Our neighbors did all the work (contacting the mayor’s office, going to city council meetings, etc.) of making it happen.  My only request was that we hold the dedication on his birthday. I’m happy to say it all worked out.  Despite the rainy day, many of our friends and family showed up for the ceremony.

This is the sign you see as you enter the Alexander Michael Dodson Memorial Tot Lot

There were also three trees planted near the tot lot area for Alexander.

Beautiful rosebud trees planted for Alexander

Following the ceremony, we had lunch with Dan’s family.  Since I had been planning a Cinco de Mayo themed birthday party for Alexander this year, we decided to have Mexican.  After a filling lunch, we headed to the cemetery to visit Alexander.

Balloons released during the dedication ceremony.

The balloons we released for Alexander during the tot lot dedication.

The past several days leading up to Alexander’s birthday have been hard on us.  Both Dan and I have had some weepy days.  We can’t just believe our baby isn’t here with us.  

Dan has been looking for about a year for the “perfect” new car.  The two requests I had for the car was that it needed to have a back seat for Alexander and that I wouldn’t mind being seen in it.  On Friday night, we went into New York City to see a car.  Dan is really into electric cars these days and has shown me some real doozies I wouldn’t be caught riding in even if I was heavily disguised.  However, the Tesla Model S, I do like.

Unfortunately, because of the rain, the Tesla folks were packing up the car when we arrived.  We did get a glimpse of it and Dan was able to ask the salesperson some questions.  Going in to see the car was a little sad. Being able to accommodate Alexander was the big reason to get a family sedan and now he isn’t here with us to share the car.

The car “show” was at The Plaza Hotel so we decided to have a drink at the Oak Bar.  I’ve never been to this landmark establishment but Dan visited years ago.  The bar is beautiful.  Our service started a little slow but we enjoyed a nice evening of cocktails and appetizers.  We even got a free dessert that was absolutely delicious!

It’s been a long and exhausting week.  Dan and I really appreciate all the support we’ve received during these very difficult last 4 months and especially today on Alexander’s birthday.

I got back from Atlanta this morning.  As I exited the gate and headed to baggage claim (my fellow traveler checked her bags), I saw the empty seats where just last October Dan and Alexander were waiting for me when I arrived from Kansas City.  I could clearly see Alexander sitting on his daddy’s lap with his face covered in face paint from the neighborhood fall festival they’d just attended.  I knew Alexander wasn’t going to be waiting for me today but I was still sad that he wasn’t there.

For the most part, Atlanta was good.  The conference kept me pretty busy. In one of my workshops on public speaking, we all had to speak for 2 minutes about our passion for the Junior League.  As I began to talk,  I started to break down.  I wanted to share how the friendships I’d made through the league helped me get through these past few months. I took a few seconds, composed myself, and quickly dicussed league friendships before discussing our community programs.  

During the week, I did cry several times when I was alone. Inevitably, when you get a group of women together, the talk turns to family (i.e., children).  My heart was breaking as I walked through the hotel and heard the conversations the other women were having about their children. I know people are going to talk about their kids and it doesn’t always bother me.  I think it bothered me this week because it was such an overload of conversation from so many women at once.  

One friend did recognize that I was getting upset and suggested I come up with a code word so it would give her a clue when it was becoming too much for me.  That’s a good idea. I’ll have to think of something that I can weave into a conversation without it being a noticeable conversation changer.

This week was an international conference.  I socialized a lot with the other women from my league and the 7 other NJ leagues.  I’m not sure if all of the ladies from the other NJ leagues knew about Alexander but none of them asked me about children.

The only time anyone asked me if I had children was during my pedicure.  Even though Alexander is no longer here with me, if asked, I will say I have a child and then explain that he passed away on December 20.  It might make others uncomfortable but for me I’ll always be Alexander’s mother and he’ll always be my son.

Dan was away visiting friends in Dallas this weekend.  When I got home, the house was so quiet and just a bit lonely.  After watering our very thirsty outdoor plants, I ran a few errands.  While I was out, I visited Alexander.

All the trees and flowers are blooming in the cemetery.  Despite my sadness of why I’m there, I must admit that it is beautiful to see all the greenery.

I was watching tv tonight and saw the preview for a show being aired later in the week.  I’m a fan of crime dramas but won’t be watching this particular episode because it involves a missing child.  One line of the preview definitely made me tear up: Losing a child is like losing a piece of yourself. 

I’ve experienced a swirl of emotions the past few days and I can say that I feel a big piece of me is gone forever. 

I miss my baby so much and wish he was here.

I’m going to Atlanta tomorrow for a few days to attend a conference. Part of me is looking forward to the conference.  The other part of me is so sad because I won’t be able to visit Alexander each day.  I know I carry him with me everywhere I go but his graveside represents his final resting place.  I usually end up in tears when I go but somehow I’m strangely comforted at the same time.

It’s hard to believe that 4 months ago today Alexander left us.

Yesterday started out ok but by the afternoon I couldn’t stop crying.  I was missing Alexander so much.  I’m a little better today.  I’m not crying as much but I’m still very sad.

Alexander’s loss continues to be unreal to me.

Our neighborhood hosts an egg hunt during Easter weekend.  Last year, along with some other moms in the neighborhood, I helped to decorate 6 dozen or so eggs for the hunt.  We didn’t go to the hunt because Alexander wasn’t walking yet and I didn’t want him to get trampled by the other kids racing to get the eggs.  This year, I was looking forward to decorating eggs with Alexander and taking him to the hunt.  Much like he enjoyed decorating Christmas cookies, I know he would have enjoyed coloring eggs and seeing him “hunt” for eggs would have been so much fun.  I didn’t decorae eggs for the hunt this year, but I did give them 2 dozen treat-filled (candy, whistles, parachuting bunny, etc.) plastic eggs.

Alexander hanging with the Easter bunny at the Trenton Country Club (2008)

Last year, Dan, Alexander and I went to country for Easter brunch.  This year, Dan and I have discussed making a lamb stew.  He’s supposed to go fishing with a friend today so I’ll probably go get the ingredients and then throw everything into a crockpot.  It’ll simmer all day and be ready when Dan gets home this evening.

Last year.  This year.  How could my life have gone so wrong in such a short time?

Last night, Dan told me he’s never going to watch the movie the Ten Commandments again.  It is (was) one of Dan’s favorite movies.  When he flipped to it last night, it had just been ordered that all firstborn, male children be killed.  Not something that someone who’s recently lost their firstborn, male child wants to see.  I won’t say that I’ll never watch the movie again but it’s going to be a while.

I’ve been missing Alexander so much this weekend.  I watched some videos of him last night because I wanted to hear his sweet little voice.

This journey through grief is so hard.