Tag Archives: grieving parent

I was doing some work on Alexander’s Run today and decided to stop by the bank to ask questions about setting up an account.  The first question the bank rep asked me was “How’s the baby?”.

It’s been more than a year and I still have to tell people what happened.  I’m sure my grief will never end (change over time but not end) but I wish I didn’t have to continue to tell people that Alexander has passed.  Can’t they see the sadness and grief that surrounds me?  Can’t they see a big part of me is missing?  I got through our conversation without shedding any tears and I’m sure that’s the reason the bank person told me ‘I was doing so well’.  If only she knew…

While others have been eagerly awaiting the holiday week, I’ve been feeling nothing but dread.  It’s definitely been a long and emotional time for me. I needed to remind myself each morning of the day of the week.

Sunday, December 20 was one year since Alexander left us.  Dan and I slept late. Neither of us wanting to wake to the day that a year ago changed our lives so radically.  While nothing can make us forget Alexander or our pain, we distracted ourselves by playing lots of Wii and reading.  We also talked about Alexander during the day.  Surprisingly, the anticipation of the one year anniversary was harder on me than the day itself.  Maybe, it’s because I felt so numb.

Due to the heavy snow, the gates were locked at the cemetery and we were unable to visit Alexander’s grave today.  Dan suggested “breaking in” but I didn’t want to do that. The cemetery is Alexander’s final resting place for his physical body but he’s not there.  I carry Alexander with me at all times so while I was disappointed we weren’t able to get in, I was ok.

Monday, December 21 was one year and one day since Alexander left us.  Still feeling numb.

Tuesday, December 22 was another day in my journey through grief.

Wednesday, December 23 – On this date a year ago, we buried Alexander.  It was and continues to be the second worst day in my life.  Dan and I went to the cemetery and then to a movie.  We finished the evening by going out to dinner.  Again.

Thursday, December 24 – Isn’t Christmas over yet?  For those of us not in the Christmas mood, this one day holiday seems to go on forever.

Two of my most loved holiday movies were on this evening: It’s A Wonderful Life and White Christmas.  I couldn’t bear to watch either.

Friday, December 25 was another day of distractions.  I don’t think I can face the cheerfulness of the outside world.  I read and watched tv all day.  As it turns out, December 25 is an excellent day to go out for dinner.  There are no lines and service is fast.  We went to a Malaysian/Thai restaurant near our home where several others had the same idea.

Saturday, December 26 and I’m starting to emerge a bit from the fog of the week.  I’ve spent the entire day vegging out at home.  I did manage to workout while Dan was at the movies.  It’s out to dinner again for us tonight.

Sunday, December 27 and another week begins…

While listening to NPR last week, I heard about a play in Philly called Rabbit Hole.  The play is about a couple struggling to survive after the tragic loss of their 4 year old son who had been killed in a car accident.

Dan and I went to see it last night and had very different reactions to it.  I really liked Becca (the mother).  In many ways, her fictional experience is similar to my own life.  She also said and did some things I wish I could do. But, Rabbit Hole is a play and I’m living in the real world.  I also enjoyed the performance by Howie (the father) and the comic relief (yes, there were moments of laughter) offered by Nat, the mother.

The performances by  Becca’s sister and Jason, the teenager responsible for the car accident, left something to be desired in my opinion.  As it turns out, Becca’s sister is pregnant.  Dan felt she represented the “future” while Jason represented the “past”  and as such, their performances weren’t that important and could be dismissed.

Overall, I found it helpful to attend.

After the play ended, we both felt the need to decompress so we had dinner at a little place not far from the theater.

Before going to the show, I discussed it with my therapist and we agreed I should see it if I was feeling up to it.  My own life still makes me sad and tearful, but I’m glad I went to see Rabbit Hole.

Dan and I attended a remembrance ceremony today hosted by the SIDS Center of New Jersey.  God and prayers were mentioned too many times for me but it was still a beautiful service.  It was very emotional.  At one point, they did a slideshow of our children.  Seeing Alexander’s big brown eyes staring back at me from the large screen at the front of the room was so hard.

We both left the service feeling emotionally drained.  Dan said he hadn’t felt that way since Alexander’s funeral service on December 23, 2008.

I miss Alexander so, so much.

Thanksgiving week is usually one of my favorite weeks of the year because I get to celebrate Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and my birthday.  I usually only do something big for my birthday every 5 years and otherwise, I’d just go out for a nice dinner.  However, this year the thought of celebrating my birthday when Alexander didn’t even get to celebrate his second just made me too sad to even want to go out for dinner.  The best gift everyone could give me this year was to let the day pass without mention.

I know I should be thankful for the things I have: good health, cozy home, family and friends who care about me, etc.  I’m missing Alexander and not feeling so thankful.  Instead, I’m feeling angry, sad, and depressed.

As the holiday season kicks into high gear, I wonder how I’ll survive the next few weeks.  All around us people are putting up their Christmas trees and shopping for presents.  I’m just trying to figure out what I’ll do for the first anniversary of Alexander’s passing.  I wish I could avoid Christmas this year but I can’t. It’s everywhere.

Dan and I have decided to seclude ourselves at home during the second half of December.  He’s planning to work on a small renovation project and I’ll probably do some work on my website.

This past Friday, November 20, makes it 11 months since Alexander passing.

On Saturday, we finally completed a task we’ve been postponing for the past 11 months.  We ordered the headstone for our family plot.  We still need to decide what to put on the stone but we’ve got some time since it will take a couple of months for the stone to arrive.  Aside from what to include about Alexander, we also have to decide if we add our names to the headstone now or wait until later.  It will hard enough to see Alexander’s name so I’m not really sure I always want to see mine there as well.  It just doesn’t seem like something one should see while still living.

Things just weren’t supposed to happen this way.

In our continuing quest to try to find answers about Alexander’s loss, we’re going to participate in a second study.  The second study is through the Sudden Death Genomics Laboratory at the Mayo Clinic.  Dr. Ackerman and his staff research several heritable cardiovascular diseases.  The Long QT Syndrome the clinic conducts is one of the studies mentioned in our SUDC binder.  While Alexander’s autopsy report didn’t show anything wrong with his heart, we want to explore every possibility to find answers.

As part of our possible participation, the clinic wants us both to have an EKG done.  I had my done yesterday.  Why is nothing ever simple?  I had another appointment prior to the EKG appointment.  Because the first appointment ran late, I arrived at my doctor’s appointment late. When I arrived at the doc’s office, the receptionist told me I was late so I missed my appointment.  She said I could wait but the next opening wasn’t for another hour.

Yes, I was late, but my visit would have taken 5, 10 minutes top and as I looked around the empty waiting room, I just couldn’t believe she was telling me I had to wait an hour.  Was the office scheduling so tight that it didn’t allow for someone being late.

This just compounded the bad day I was already having so I decided to run errands for an hour rather than wait.  To ensure I didn’t miss another appointment, I arrived 10 minutes early.  At 10 minutes past my appointment time, I wondered if I should go to the desk and tell them since the doctor was late for my appointment, I was leaving.  Just then they call me back.

As I waiting for the doctor to enter the room, I started to tear up thinking about why I was there.  I don’t visit the primary care doc often except for the occasional times I’ve gotten a flu shot or have had need for antibiotics.  As I was explaining to him why I needed the EKG, I broke down and could barely talk through my tears.

The doc said the EKG was fine aside from a small spot that you may see at some times but not others.  I had some problems with increased heart rate in the past but the cardiologist didn’t seem to think it was of concern.  We’ll see if they notice anything at the Mayo Clinic.  Now, I just need to get Dan to get his EKG done so I can complete our file.

Lately, I’m finding with every new person I have to share our story, it feels just as if it happened yesterday with all the same very raw emotions.  The same searing pain through my heart.

I’m missing Alexander so much.

Alexander’s Run Update

Dan has mapped out a potential route and is going to walk it with a couple of friends tomorrow.